Have been down, but I'm not out...

at least not yet...

I've been down the last few weeks in more ways than I want to think about. Been down with  a head cold (really hate those, hard to think & you feel like one big headache), then got down  in the dumps, both literally and emotionally. (recycling more old metal for cash can lead to  some strange places.) The depression part didn't last too long, mostly 'cause I dislike the  whole numb feeling. So I got down to work and started doing some research, writing notes  and the basic steps to getting back into things. The new elect. bill is down, which is good. But  the overdue still needs to be paid and I'm broke - which is bad.

There are times when you go so far down that there isn't any place left to go but up. You  may even find your going up cause you've passed some cosmic middle and are no longer going  down. So much for the philosophical mumblings, time to move on. See, sleep dep has this  profound way of taking any point of view and skewering in sideways... Haven't been sleeping  too much of late. Would really like to have an off switch.  Sleeping would be so much easier if  I was able to shut down.

When things get more difficult, things go down... our income, our spirits, our options. The only  things that go up are things that we'd rather go down. Like bills, fees, prices - the general  costs of day to day living. Currently, my own situation reflects this situation - though I'm  fighting against it dragging me down. So many are struggling with financial troubles, lack of  work and the swiftly cannibalized charity systems. Opportunities and options are out  there...yet, for so long we've had no need to create our own future, use our wits or step  outside our "comfort zones"...the skills have grown weak for lack of use.

The world is like a roller coaster, with the ups and downs that give life some sense of  adventure and excitement. Too often the day to day grind wears away at our inner sense of  fun and makes it hard to remember the dreams we once had when our world was young.  Days when we looked forward to the future... to making changes and making our mark upon  the world. In the last 2yrs things have come crashing down... the financial machinations of  the corporations, the overblown hype that drove the capital of the world sat upon a  foundation of sand, cybernetic-ly speaking - but still ethereal, an illusion with no true value to  back it...

So it is here, amidst the wreckage of a hastily bulwark-ed economy, with patches and pitch we  seek to keep things afloat. Hoping that we will make it to a harbor in time, needing extensive  repairs. Our torn sails grasping at any true wind, we seek to reach port on pure  determination and bracing ourselves against any new storms... On the horizon there is hope,  light that cuts through the fog of doubt and cold of despair... Brighter days are ahead, if  only we can work together to bring it about.

My own struggles are small, others have suffered more. Yet while we stumble about trying  to hold our lives together, our own troubles seem like unmovable mountains. It's only by  reaching out to others that I've found I could forget about my own troubles for a little  while. In the grand scheme of things our own troubles are small, insignificant - yet they  consume us and control our lives. Our only true hope is to reach out and make the  connections that can ease the weight of our own problems in our efforts to aide another  with their difficulties. What seems impossible to one, may seem a breeze to solve for  another. By sharing the ingenuity and compassion within, we could solve so much heartache  and sorrow that fills the world around us. Block by block, a community at a time, the changes  can grow to overflow the boundaries that separate us from one another.

I've rambled on long enough, it's time for my mind to sleep and my body to rest. Tomorrow  is yet another day to seek a better way... a change of fortune and to continue to keep the spark of hope alive. I wish you all restful sleep, inspired thoughts and warmth of heart...

The Shadow of Depression

It seems that lately the weight of so many things are hanging over head. So much to do and only one of me. I'm overwhelmed by the tasks that loom so high, what should be done by more is left to just one.

I've got to tend to the reducing of years of accumulation, from boxes left in storage for years to recent gifts to the holidays decor and gear. From clothing and stuffed toys, to dishes and knick knacks galore, plus the ton of uncategorized stuff that clutters the closets and more.

Plus the tasks of running a business online, that alone can be the worst grind of my time. Then assisting with other tasks as I continue with home schooling with my daughter. Thankfully the youngest isn't up for that yet. His older brother still handles those basic of tasks

Then the project that looms is the repairs of the house, to which I'm luckier than some at most. I've kin that will come to repair all the problems, but with all of us here that could be quite chaotic. So it's out of the house and off to another, taking what we need and storing the other. Hoping that once things are repaired, it will be safe to return to roost here.

But there are only empty places where friends used to come, the children are seemingly clueless to the tasks to complete, all wrapped in their own worlds of music, games and friends. So once again in the end it all comes rolling down to the one that is left...just me.

So the shadows of depression, the shade of despair have been summoned up from their dark empty lair. It's not like their strangers, we've kept company before...but they do little to aide in the work that lays before me like a black bloated toad on a rotted old log. It may be awhile till I find my way, the darkness about me makes it hard to see any way out.

But soon the shadows and shades will fade softly away, leaving me alone...but it will be ok. Loneliness is something familiar, so it isn't so bad - I've dwelt within it's hollow halls for more years than I wish to recall.

But eventually, I know it's true...the light will filter through the gloom. I'll take my moments of light now and then, confident that the night within will come to an end. But if you wish to offer a light, I won't refuse it...and I'll be glad for it's rays of friendship to chase off the emptiness, even if just for a while...no fear or worry....I know that things will be clear.....some day, the sun will shine again to warm me.

Thinking ahead to Halloween and other things...

Besides, it takes my mind off all the negative mess that is going on and gives me a much needed break to dwell on something much more fun and fang-tastic...even if it's just for a little while.
I've even something special for anyone that loves Halloween as much as I do. If you've never heard of Dover Publishing, you're in for a treat. I have often wished to go a little spending happy when I get their catalogs. But I resist most of the time, especially with money so tight.

Their books are great, the prices are too...but I just can't do it right now. But here's the treat I can get from Dover and they put it right into my email box...free samples from some of their books. Check out these spirited samples I just got the other day...

Dover Book Sampler - Get Ready for Halloween!

Remember paper dolls and paper clothes...or am I just showing my age? I recall showing my eldest paper dolls, but I don't think my younger daughters ever got a chance to play with them. Well, believe it or not - Dover has them! If my financial situation wasn't so thin, I'd try and get one of their books just to show my teenager what I played with as a young girl. Oddly enough, I have a very curious daughter that likes to know about that sort of thing. She is very much an independent and caring young miss, who still gives me hugs and likes to spend time going for walks with mom.

I don't get anything for anyone going to this site, they don't have an affiliate program. I just wanted to share something I have knowledge about and enjoy. I have other resources for Halloween if you would like to check them out...just know that I will use anything as a teaching or learning experience... Holidays are no exception... As my son's been known to say about my kind of teaching. "You're sneaky..."

Halloween Safety Tips
It may be from Los Angeles, CA - but I think it is a very nicely put together listing.

The Teacher's Corner
There are worksheets and other links here. I'm not sure if this site is updated frequently, but there are some good material resources here.

TeacherVision
It's true that you can only view a few items before they want you to subscribe - but for teachers and home schoolers this resource is just too good to leave out. I love this booklet - it's a lot of fun!

Salvation Army
Now this would apply to your own location, but thrift shops, second hand stores are a treasure trove of wondrous Halloween delight. With a little imagination, perhaps a little glue, glitter or a sewing kit - a vast number of costumes can be created for everyone. With pirates, princesses and the like being so popular - these places would offer a wealth of materials... nurses, superheroes, vampires and witches are all waiting to be discovered among the cast offs and recycled items.

If you have just have to have a store bought costume - don't forget to check for coupons or discount codes to save you a little on the cost - maybe enough for a mini pizza party after trick-or-treating...

Party Time
If you aren't the type to want to go hiking through the neighborhoods looking for the mega score for treats...maybe you like to be the life of the party... Well, this is a great place I found for getting great items for all kinds of parties.

Pretty Party Place
I'm hoping to be able to order up some Wall-E items for my son's birthday in November...the prices are really good, especially if it's only a small gathering. I have had a lot of trouble finding places that would let me get items for a party of under 10 - most of the packages were for 25 or more! That is way too many kids in one place that isn't a park or CiCi's Pizza!

Game Time
Too old to be trick-or-treating? No kids to take out and don't want to have a party or pass out candy? Well, even if you aren't into gaming too much, you can still have some fun online. A bunch of games celebrate the Spooks are loose night in a grand way.

Guild Wars  - purchase and then play for free after...
They celebrate the pumpkin king in a grand way in this online rpg - check out last years event!

World of Warcraft  - purchase and monthly membership fee after 30 days. Offers a limited time trial so you can try it out
This Hallow's End check out what is happening in WoW - at least for those that can afford it.  If not the free trial is available to a at least look around for the spookfest...check out the event happenings here.

Now for those that don't want to buy a game to play, with no fees to worry about...then take a look at this mmo free game list and see if there isn't anything that you might find to have fun with. A little virtual chaos is great stress relief for those that need it and who know who you might meet up with while you're leveling...

MMO Free Game list 

Plus some of the cute games are great rewards for good grades and completed chores. Also some of the keyboard controls help to improve eye and hand coordination. Plus if they want to play and chat to friends they'll have to learn the keys fast, so they can talk while playing...sneaky way to improve their typing skills.

Well, that's all for this post. I'm going to go enjoy a little stress relief myself. Believe it or not, my kids got me hooked on the Disney online game Pirates of the Caribbean - it's just a basic membership, which is free - but as long as Capt. Sparrow is lurking about - I'm game to play. It's actually rather challenging, with ship to ship battles and timed sword play abilities. Has a bit of realism and plenty of familiar faces from the PotC movie. So if you happen to see the White Witch sailing by, call out an ahoy and perhaps we can hoist the colors together...

Till next time mate,  may the wind fill your sails...

Dropping into Reality

I'm working on a very large project - It's called "Operation Clean Sweep" as in I'm getting rid of as much stuff as I can that will help me in reducing the amount of stuff in my house.
See I want to move, but if I don't want to hire a fleet of trucks, I'm going to have to reduce the amount that I'm taking with me. At the same time, I'm hoping to make a small amount of money off of this that will be going into the "Going Home" fund.

I have tried to make a go of it here in GA, but of the friends I made - they've either been deployed or died. I do know some people here, but most can't be called real friends since they are so busy that they can't even seem to find the time to call me up just to say "hi". In the 17 yrs I've been here there is no one that I can call up to go out with, or anyone to hang out with or even to just talk to.

I miss the blue ridge. I miss having four seasons. I miss being in the country, breathing fresh air; not air scented with cookies, soap or the paper mill stench depending upon which direction the wind is blowing.
I just want to find some land and put a dw on it or find a small farm that I can settle down on. I tried that here and wound up in a subdivision, with bills and repairs that eat up what income I have each month.

Being disabled, unable to drive - it's left me isolated, alone and solitary. The only way to reach out to the world regularly is through the net. I still need to do erands, that usually means a 5+ mile walk one way. My older son often will try to do the simple tasks to keep me from overdoing it. Often when I return from an all day outing, I can barely walk at all the next day. But I discovered years ago what many had before me, that it is difficult to find help out there.

Oh sure, there are places to get food, so called shuttle transport, but often you have to get to the service or there is never any room or there's a waiting list. Some places have given me the "we've helped you once before, we can only help once in a lifetime." Which is odd since it's the charities that are spouting it.
But I'm not going to go getting on my soap box about the injustice and all right now. I'm too tired, weary in the spirit tonight I would guess...I just don't have the heart to get a outraged roll going. Maybe another time...

Well, need to get some sleep...so I'll catch up with you all another time.
Carpe Diem!

Setting up some sites...

Okay, with things being silent as a tomb when it comes to my online business... I decided to do some setting up of other affiliate type sites to try to get in some money. The hype seems to state that all one has to do is set up an affiliate site and then send visitors to it... Sounds simple... Trouble is nothing is that simple.

Oh setting up the sites are mostly simple. Especially if you know your way around a little HTML and such, but that isn't the problem. Once the site is there, now what? How do you get all the visitors that they tell you to get to even know that the site is there...? Of course the guys making all the money tell you that you can do this in a number of ways...

• Tell your list about the site. (Trouble with this is that you don't even have a list if you're just starting out...)
• Blog about it on your social network sites. (Tell me the truth, does this BS even work anymore...did it ever?)
• Send out emails to your network... (You know, family and friends that don't want anything to do with this stuff...)
• Pass out business cards with the website on them. (Yeah we all know what people do with these cards.)
  
• Post in groups, forums and other online areas like these. (Until the moderator gets ticked at your constant posts.)
• Do Google or some other type keyword pay per click system. (I've never really found the Google experience very satisfying.)

So, what is the answer if this isn't working for you? Heck if I know! I'm stuck in the same boat myself...

I've been trying to put together these affiliate sites - the ones that are "supposed" to be really easy to put together. For the most part, Amazon.com and Zlio.net seem to be the easiest to figure out. Now, I've not generated a dime from either of them as yet... so when it comes to making money with them I'm sort of left hanging... Granted I only just found zlio.net a week ago so I'm still waiting to see how it pans out.
Another one for easy set up is Template monster, since you can customize a storefront to set up on your own domain. You don't really need a domain for the amazon or zlio stores as they set them up for you. Amazon offers a way to put your store right into your website with iFrames which makes it a good choice if you want to keep people at your site.

I have been trying to keep from getting depressed now that the new month has arrived. It isn't easy trying to figure out what bills to pay, but then there are a lot of people dealing with the lack of funds. It isn't about who to pay, but who to pay first with the cash on hand and who will have to wait till you can get your hands on some more money. With the long weekend coming up I'm planning on having a yard sale... having succeeded in getting the stuff out of storage - (yeah...) I'm going to see about reducing the amount of things we have and hopefully get up the needed money for this month.


I have been putting my writing up on Writer's Cafe...may enter a few more contests, sharpen up my skills some. It's good exercise and keeps me from getting too down in the dumps. I like a good writing challenge and try to keep my mind sharp. Just wish that I could find some writing jobs. Guru and Freelance may let you find jobs via their site, but applying for them is nearly impossible, unless you pay for a membership or upgrade. That's like our main employment service in town, you have to pay over a hundred bucks to get a job through them. No guarantee you will get one, but the employer doesn't pay - the job hunter does! If I had a couple hundred dollars on hand, I sure as heck would not be giving it to them... I'd be paying my bills! The reason I need the job in the first place...


Plus the issue of being disabled isn't a problem when finding work online, since I can do my work via the net and get paid via PayPal.  But transportation, special equipment and such are an issue if I try to find work outside of my home and computer. Where I can outsource several tasks and get work done in my own time - be it 4pm or 3am... that is what I can do at home. Even though I've gotten rave reviews on my work and designs, it's not putting cash into my bank acct. which is still recovering for as long as my disability holds out... which should be till I pay my mortgage. Then it will be back on life support... ::sigh:: poor little checking acct. - at least I have it though...

Well, I'm going to end this post and sum it up with the sites I've got up so far... If anything odd happens, like they start to make a few bucks...I'll update this.

• Kittara's Curio Shop  ( this is my daughter's store that she put together hoping to get some sales.)
• Creative Starr Designs  (This was my web design site, now it's a template affiliate site. They do offer some good templates and some free ones too to try out.)
• The Bookworm's Corner (of course I just had to make my own bookshop since I love reading & writing.)
• Game Central eStore  (This one my older boy set up for his game site...)
• Gaming Zone eStore  (Of course, the other one had to set his own store and site up... nothing wrong with some competition...)
• SirBec Health Supplies (This is a site I did for a friend a few years ago.  Unfortunately, he moved on. But I still have the store I made him.)
• Magick's Gift  (Then my sister had to join the party and make her own estore...)

(Since Geocities websites are gone, I'll have to relocate several sites to a new home. I'll be posting about them when they are finished being set up...)

Hope you all enjoy the upcoming long weekend...

Carpe Diem!

Once again, I'm trying something new...

Not one to let moss grow under my feet, I'm jumping into something new again. It's not like I've stopped doing other things, although some projects have come to a halt. I just have been putting off getting a site together for myself and decided it was time to just do it.
Almost everyone has those kind of moments, the desire to begin something, to do something different. But there are these chains that we tie ourselves down with, that keep us from taking action.

• I can do it later... (when I have more time, more money, less stress, less work...)
• I don't know what to do... (yet when you need to find out something, you have no problems...)
• It's too much to learn... (that all depends, you want to be a rocket scientist or just learn something new...)
• I haven't got the time...(I can relate, but if it's something you want to do...try and make the time.)
• Is it profitable? What's it worth? (Since when does anything worthwhile have to turn a buck? This is sad...)

I'm starting this site because it's something that I've been wanting to do for some time. I've tried to get things started several different times, but they mostly fizzled out. I have a MySpace, a Facebook (don't go there much), a Yahoo Profile, a MSN profile, an IMVU homepage, some game site profiles, a Writer's Cafe page and some others that I've trouble remembering. Just like lots of others I've pieces of me scattered all over the web.
(It makes me think of a spider web, with all my sites and profiles just hanging in it....not a comforting thought. Btw...where's the spider? ::shivers:: Never mind...I don't want to know.)
So here I am creating yet another piece of myself to hang in that web. But this time I've got a little clearer picture of what I want to do. I don't know if all the knowledge stuck in this head of mine is of any value to anyone else, but that will remain to be seen as I get this site polished up and organized some. I've been online for almost two decades. (anyone remember Qlink or CompuServe? Not including downtimes...) I've grown up learning skills that seem to be almost extinct in this century, plus I've learned a lot along my journey thus far...
Who knows, maybe I have some information that might be of some small use to someone out there. With all the millions of other sites out there, maybe I can find a place for myself...
So I'm starting this up and sending it out and we will see what happens from there. I'll try to do a better job on my site to introduce myself some. Just don't expect much since I'm not that good at the introduction type stuff... but I'll give it a shot anyhow. For now, I'll just sign off and thank you for reading this far...I do tend to ramble...so you've been warned now...so you can be prepared next time you drop by...

Ticket fo the Realm of Fantasy

Due to a rather bothersome back injury and the resulting down time, I've decided to take a leave of absence from reality and all the b.s. that is going on in it. Besides, it's preferable to a breakdown...

I'm also going to be on a journey of discovery. I'm going to discover what it is that I want to do with the next 10-15 yrs of my life... It sure as heck isn't what I've been doing! Working like a dog trying to stay financially afloat is not living. Surviving, maybe...but definitely not living. I think I'd like to try living for a little while...see all that I've been missing.

I'm also going to see if my dreams are still waiting for me. I put a few up on a shelf some time ago and I think it's time to dust them off and see if there is anything I can do to achieve them. I've been so busy trying to earn money, trying to keep ahead of the bills and just get by one more day...I've forgotten what it was I was killing myself for....that there has to be a better way to reach those dreams I made for not only myself...but for my family.

So I'm going to be going away for a while...not sure when I'll be back. I have a lot of searching and rediscovery ahead and I don't want anything to interrupt it. Besides, with the bed rest and the pain medz I don't think I'll be able to come visit for a bit anyway.

I do have some reading to catch up on too. Keep putting things off so I can help out others...well, it's time for me to take some time off. I hope that you'll all have blue skies and good luck while I'm gone...although I don't know if anyone will miss me or even notice I'll be away. But I wish it just the same...see you again when I get back.

Carpe Diem!

An Amazing Discovery!

It's been as if I've been suffering from a dark illness that has slowly devoured a part of my spirit. The banishment of my muse. I'd become deaf to my characters and their stories. Why did I do this to myself and allow a void to grow within that filled with darkness and sorrow?

My worker at Vocational Rehabilitation told me that they did not believe that writing was a profitable career for me to choose. That it was a hobby at best and that I should consider more realistic business models. Foolishly I listened to them, regretfully I set aside my dreams to create a respectable business that I could do from home.

But I have made a choice to follow my dreams once more and to release the stories that fill my mind. My muse has returned and she's rejoicing. I have returned to my first passion and love, writing. Never will I be told that it is a wasteful hobby, worthless scribblings of no value...

If I wrote for the goal of profit alone, I would not be a true writer. It is a stirring deep within, an urge to create something out of nothing. To paint fantastic worlds and vistas with words. To inspire, to weave a spell so complete as to make a character real...so real that you feel with them. To cry, laugh and share with them the adventure of their life...

There is something more satisfying in the process and completion, worth far more than just money. If making money was the only reward, there would be far less writers in the world.

Eagerly I await the day that I can share my stories with others and introduce them to the characters I've come to know so very well. It is the pleasure of this and more that I continue to strive forward, typing away with joy in my heart once more.

Everyone holds a story or more within them, if the desire is there choose to write it down. If only to preserve the wonderful stories of your own life adventure for your children or grandchildren and future generations to come. A living history of what you experienced, learned and how things changed. What a wonderful gift to pass on over the years, expanding upon the stories as each generation adds their own tales. It's such a shame that so many stories are lost and left to be forgotten when we pass on. Special family recipes, secrets and memories treasured forever in a bound book.

The way I see it anyone can write...be it poetry, short stories or long novels. Anyone can write and everyone should think of writing. If only to preserve the past today, for tomorrow.

A Lost Treasure for Me!

I was clearing up and packing up due to needing more room again. I came across something I'd thought I'd lost ages ago. My box with all my writing! Notebooks, folders stuffed and envelopes with clippings - everything!

Well, maybe not everything, but a whole heck of a lot of my writing was in there. So for me that was like finding a lost treasure! A writer's jackpot filled with memories! Mostly because such a large part of me went into all that writing. Plus now I can actually put a bunch of it together and start polishing up a piece here and there. Start uploading some and seeing about getting some published maybe.

So that was a really great find for me. Granted I've still got more stuff to send off to the storage unit in the next few weeks. Come to think of it, I am going to have to start planning a yard sale to:

1. get rid of stuff that I no longer need or want

2. get some extra cash to save up for an emergency

3. make some more room in the storage unit and the house.

I may just call someone to haul off whatever doesn't sell. One of those people that buy up the left over yard sale stuff to go sell at the flea market. I can't get there myself - so why not load off the stuff on someone who's already going out anyway...

Finally found the other A/C unit - need to get it set up tomorrow. Then maybe things will cool off a bit in the house. It's been so muggy lately that the heat's almost impossible to deal with. Have one A/C already in and cooling, but with the size of the house it's going to take two to handle this heat.

Well, that's all for now. Been feeling a bit better since the pool's up and I've been taking some time out to swim. Just have to make sure that I don't get too "busy" and forget to go out. So far it's not been so hard...but if I start getting wrapped up in stuff I may need the kids to drag me out for a while to take that swimming break. lol

Hope that everyone enjoy the changes ahead - it's either that or be grumpy about them. Think I'll try to roll with things...I'm to hot to gripe about anything right now...lol 

That doesn't mean I won't later though...lol

Elusiveness of Time

No matter how many hours pass within each day, there never seems to be enough to complete all that I've the need or desire to accomplish.
My list of projects and chores go forever on...
My time is claimed before it arrives. I find that even when I complete a task or two - that several more yet await my attention.
My days feel unending as I tend to the endless things that need to be done.
Three a.m. and 7 p.m. hold no difference as I work through my chores.
Sleep is something that descends upon me at unscheduled times as my exhaustion claims my consciousness for a few hours.

I can still recall my youth, of fresh cut grass and lazy summertime days that seem to go on forever.
Of fresh strawberries and whipped cream, swimming and catching tadpoles and tiny frogs.
I remember the early days of my motherhood, of walks to the boardwalk and playing in the sand.
Lullabies and little giggles, playing in the waterspout and having riding the carousel at the park.

I recall these memories out of time, I can relive them in a moment.
I see my children as they laugh and cry, play and work over the years as they have grown.
Yet I don't remember growing old myself, as I've watched them mature and go off on their own.
Following the path they have chosen for now, though I've still the younger ones safe at home.
I watch as they are changing, growing and I know that it won't be too long before they too will fly off into the world on their own road.

But time for all it's forever constant, it's eternal flow... It seems ever elusive to claim.
To mark the moments and save the memories, it's all I can do.
For I feel that no matter how many things I try to fill into those moments, someday I'll have none left to use.
And all those things I've wanted, desired or needed to do will be left undone.