Another birthday gone

This last Sat. was my birthday...just another day as things went. But I was a bit depressed by it's arrival and subsequent departure. It seems that the day just keeps counting the years till the end of my given time. The closer I get to the proverbial "hill" the more I dread the ticking of the yearly clock that pushes me ever closer.

I've looked behind me, at the descent of my health, the damage of stress and the deterioration of my physical abilities. Even my memory and sharpness mentally have been effected over the last few years.

I fight the inevitable, but I'm not some celebrity with truckloads of cash to go to some fancy "body shop" spa and get the wrinkles ironed out, the flab tucked or the assets lifted. The years of struggle, to carve out a niche and support my family have left telltale signs.

I used to dye my hair as blond as I could, seeking to recapture the sun bleached style of younger days. But also because I could hide the multiplying white hairs that began to appear...in blond hair I could call them highlights.

But the blond of my youth turned to the natural golden brown and at times I'd give in and let it take over. And with money tight I've had little choice. Now the snow and silver are slowly taking over and the darker chestnut and golden browns are often intertwined with snowy white and silver threads.

I know that I need to try and get myself healthier, but despite the countless visits to the doctor and test after test there is nothing solid to diagnose. A random number of things are wrong, but nothing to link it all together...though I believe that the high stress I've been under for several years may be a large part of the problem.

It is easier said that done to remove the stress from ones life. I've tried my best to keep my center, but financial issues and shortages are far too frequent now. With the lost income from my cousin and the rise in expenses, there's a huge gap in the going out and coming in columns. No matter how hard I try, I have to admit that I'm still floundering as I try to establish some way to make some extra income streams.

I'm hoping that I can keep my focus, reinvent myself and find a way to get ahead this year. I need to make changes; I need to increase my income and find a way to make the changes I want happen. I don't know how, but I need to find a way to move forward.

If I could find the things I need without the cash, I'd do so, but somehow in a world run on paper currency, I am stuck having to amass as much as I'm able to get things moving.

For those that has passed that mid-life marker, I salute your strength and dedication to press on to find a way to reach your goals and dreams. So many have found the path to reinvent themselves in the later half that proves, there's no decline in life after 50, if you choose to rededicate yourself to the journey.

I've some years left to try and recapture that passion and lust for the time ahead, to enjoy the experience and not dwell on the eventual end that lays on the horizon. There's a million memories, thousands of tears and tons of laughter still ahead. I just need to focus on the gift of the day and find the joy to look forward to the surprises of tomorrow.

Warm, Bright Blessings to all...

My son's birthday

Time sure does slip away, it seems like only a short time ago he was just a little boy that was always hungry, even right after we ate!
I finally figured out where all that food was going...he shot up to 6' after his 14th birthday! He's been holding steady at 6' 4" since he turned 20, so I think he's done.

But seeing him sometimes makes me wonder where all the time went...
It feels like we have forever, running in the fields chasing butterflies, wading in the shallows to find tadpoles, and then as I turn, the moment's gone, it's over. And there's a young man who towers above me, he smiles that lost little boy's crooked smile, as he head's out again to look for work.

Has it really been so many years? I look at my daughter, my little tech artist takes after her grandmother and at 18 isn't quite as tall as myself. Yet, I tend to forget that she's a young woman now who's due to get engaged this summer, if all goes according to their plans. And I wonder at how quickly my nest is growing less crowded.

My little one is still here with his endless singing, humming and sound effects. He sings about whatever he's doing; nonsense sing songs that are equally out of tune and in. He talks for his toys in a dozen different voices. He puts them through adventures with a barrage of sound effects that seeks to join the current cacophony of my daughter's pounding music and the blaring noise from the television too.

It is a small comfort, because it keeps at bay the deafening silence that will someday descend when they have all gone. I do not relish that moment, so for now...I join in the symphony of dueling sounds and turn my own music up just a little. Perhaps I seek to drive that day of silence farther away into the future...or at least, believe that I can, even though I know that nothing I do will really stop it.

Time goes on no matter if we pay attention or let it slip away...but if we try to make as many memories as we can in the time we have...maybe it won't be so bad when there are no more memories to make...and we'll have left a treasured legacy behind, within those that shared them with us.