Another year coming to an end...

Well, another year is winding down to the homestretch. With the fall season upon us, it tends to remind us of the passing of time - our time.  The changes in life often happen very quickly, we are caught up in the whirlwind of activities. The rushing flow of life pulls us along in tow through the day to day struggles, events and relationships.

But in the fall there is a time, not everyone notices it, but those of us with more snow on top tend to sense it more often. It's a time to reflect, to take stock in life. Your own life mostly, the direction you're going in and how you fit into or don't fit into the life you are living. It can become a rather shocking wake-up call for those that haven't done it before.

But if you've passed through these calm, still moments before, it's much easier to feel more confident and steady in the assessment of your life in the passing year. The good thing about a fall assessment is that you still have time during the early winter, before the New Year, to complete any tasks you'd forgotten.

I've found my days blurring into one another often; keeping up with a 7yr old, dealing with teenager issues and of course there's the bills, the mortgage and the furry members of the family.  Now add to that the rising costs of just about everything, the shrinking incomes, extended family events and then the world news picture on top of it all.

In our world I've noticed that this fall marks a very violent time. We've more intense feelings, actions and vocalizations now more than I'd noticed in other years. The positive emotions, the surge of purpose and the general feelings of unity where short lived. There's a bitterness, a movement to drag down all that hope that flared for a time, it's spreading a negative, hateful veil over so much of the world.

But I still believe that the light of a single candle can still drive back the darkest night. That the shadows on the wall are only our own insecurities and fears, we alone can drive those that feed on our fears away. So many out there in the world look to corrupt, breed intolerance, hate and violence. Before we fall into their deceptive traps, we must ask "What do they get out of this? What gain/reward do they receive?"

This answer can offer us the most important protection against this kind of manipulation. We need to look to the better person inside of us all.  (I'm being optimistic, but I'm hoping I'm right.) I'm hoping that before the New Year that the emotional health of society will improve. (Wishful thinking, but it's better than nothing.)

So in this time of endings, I hope to see an ending to the dark and troubling times. I hope that in the year ahead there will be room for all and that the light will shine with hope from billions of hearts and drive away the darkness from our lives. I hope all will find better days ahead, that society comes to the realization that we can make our lives brighter a day at a time. We just need to take that first step...to take action.

Take care and safe journey....Carp Diem!

Moving forward can be difficult sometimes.

There's some road blocks keeping me from moving forward and it's getting harder to deal with them. One of the road blocks is my servicing company, Litton Loan. Not only have they raised my mortgage payment, they are doing all they can to deny me a modification on that mortgage.
Despite HUD councilors and other financial aid workers stating that I definitely qualify for a modification.
The trouble is it could get even worse if I don't get this mortgage reduced and the 10.84% dropped soon. I will be losing some of my income in just a few more months, if I'm lucky, it may not happen for a few more years. But I am going to lose $355 in income soon, with only my SSI of $674/month left to live on.

The mortgage payments for now are about $570/month which leaves very little to pay for the utilities. It's also got to cover the basics - tp, foil, wrap or bags, all soaps, sponges, health care items, etc. Which I can't always cover right now.
Later it's going to be impossible unless I have that income replaced or I find a way to reduce or both. Currently, Litton says I'm 2 months behind on the payments - I say 1 payment, but it doesn't matter, they are always right. Even when they are wrong - they make you pay for it anyhow.

So that would be a total of $1,140 plus fees that I will have to pay. I'm trying to find some freelance work I can do via the computer online. I've done many things over they years, I've many skills and knowledge to tap into if I could just figure out how to use it online to make some money.
There are so many scams and so called "ez money" programs. There are guru's making fortunes online and offering tons of systems for others to learn. It would just be nice to have someone tell me one simple way to make money online and it actually work. Without waiting months, without studying ebooks and videos, without having to set up some complicated system that might make $10 in a few months. I want something that I can do a couple hours a day, that will bring in money regularly.

I don't want to be another scammer selling junk to newbies either. I want to feel good about what I offer and what I'm doing.

Another way that I could get out of this pickle I'm in with Litton Loan, is if someone buys the mortgage. That way I pay them and not Litton anymore. Hopefully I would get someone that will be fair and allow me the much needed funds to fix up the place. Right now, I can't afford to even fix the leaky sink faucet.
The amount owed would be more than what is listed on my paperwork, but the principle that's listed is $39,899.87 - the appraised value is in the $40's - though in 2008 it was appraised at $60k - at least its not "underwater" as so many other home loans are today.

I would love to get some property up north, VA, TN, WV, in the area of the Blue Ridge Mts. Something I have always dreamed of doing is getting a piece of land, have a place on it and live off the grid eventually.
I wouldn't mind having a DW put on and then set up a garden, creating a pond to stock and setting up ways to collect green energy. Wind, water, sun and thermal...hydroponics, water catch basin and more.  I've missed living off the land and yet I know I'll still have to be somewhat close to some kind of store and bank.
Five acres would allow horses, which I'd need for a wagon or buggy. Mules would do too, but they tend to have some attitude issues. Chickens, goats, rabbits and a cow would be nice - if the bills are low enough then I could afford to hire a person to help out. I've a lot of knowledge on how to grow crops, comb wool and make money from the products and by-products produced.

Right now, the stress involved with living here and trying to scrap by just to survive is making me ill. It's also complicating other health issues. I know that somehow, I have to reduce the stress and make changes in my life that won't be easy. The problem is that I know I can't make them alone. I am going to need help to do the things that need to be done.

I'm thankful for all the help I've received already from very dear friends and from those online that are my cyberpals. Their encouragement and support are very helpful to me. This part of my journey has been very bumpy and rough. But I trust that somehow, someway that I will get past it with a little help from those who decide to step in to lend a hand. No one gets anywhere all on their own, we all need someone at some point to give us a hand up.

If anyone has any ideas, suggestions or advice - pass it on. I welcome any help of any kind, when it comes to helping my family get by, there is no reason not to ask for help when you need it.

Hope that your journey is clear of blocks or bumps, may your path be one of sunny days and warm breezes.
Take care and safe journey to you...Carp Diem!

Southern Summer Sun...

...ain't no fun!

Well, maybe I need to clarify that statement a bit.  Living in a brick and cinder block style house with no a/c can be like living inside a brick oven! Now add in a southern location and you're really cooking! Or rather - I'm being cooked!

So this is one of the reasons for the lack of updates here,  since I'm too soggy to post or I'm slowly melting out of my chair and not able to type anything coherent. Thankfully, at the moment it is a very nice 78 degrees while I'm writing this and the early morning is just starting to wake up. Of course, this post is being written now and will be posted later - I've found this to be a way to beat the heat and better compose my posts. Why I hadn't thought of this before stumps me...

There is some good news since last I posted - the pool has been set up and I've been enjoying it as often as possible.  Swimming in a pool is one of the few things I'm still able to enjoy. It's just a round one, around 3-4' deep - so it's not like I'm having to worry about depth or things like that. But at least it's a way to get cool and have fun with my kids.

I miss being able to do other things I enjoyed doing, but finances just don't allow things like this anymore. We all had fun bowling, me more zen bowling than really bowling. Hiking isn't possible, camping and hunting, horseback riding and going to the movies. (I get a kink in my neck sitting up front and seeing blurry colors the size of a barn still doesn't help me figure out what's going on.) I loved going to the museums, art galleries and theater - was an avid bow hunter, liked to fish - spear, not the passive kind - and was an experienced equestrian, hunter & dressage class. 

A whole lot has changed, not just due to the economic issues that everyone is going through - but even before that. When my vision issues started up, I tried to ignore them. Denying that they would stop me from doing what I wanted to do. Unfortunately, after a few years - even I had to finally face the reality that I couldn't do some things any more. Some things could be dangerous to me, if I tried to do them on my own. Some things I could still do, but I'd need special equipment and/or someone to help me.

In many ways, loss of vision made it hard to really enjoy some things I used to do.  But being stubborn, I kept looking for new things that I could do and find ways to do things. Getting into computers was one of the best things I got into. It led me to discovering new ways to learn, play and then when I got online a whole new world was opened up for me.

Granted things haven't been easy to deal with over the years and since my last update I've been struggling to get a handle on situations that are plaguing a lot of people out there. I've got a mortgage that I'm trying to keep out of foreclosure, get a modification on, as well as try to get them to lower my rate of 10.84% so that I'm not stressing month after month to make my payments. I'm tired of disconnect notices just like everyone else that's trying to make ends meet with little income, thanks to the financial hardships that hit over the last 18 months or more.

Somehow it seems that the more you try to improve your situation, better things for your family and just get ahead - the whole system looks to pull you down and yank the supports out from under you. Sorta like climbing up on a very high ladder and the person that's supposed to be holding it steady, keeps letting go when you try to go up another rung. It get's really frustrating after a while.

It's like my mortgage. I get a letter to ask about a modification. Cool!
So I do it and I'm told an envelope will be sent telling me what to do. Great!
Then a few days later I get a letter stating that due to a shortage in my escrow my mortgage will be adjusted up - by over $110!
I get some advice and request that they extend the payment shortage from 12 to 24 and now it just goes up almost $80! But it's better - despite the fact that going up wasn't what I needed.

I'd asked for the modification due to the difficulty I was already having with the original payment, thanks to the economic melt down.
The situation is now worse than it was before I asked for help.
My one brother always says, "No good deed, goes unpunished."
I really don't want to agree with that statement - but things haven't been going very smooth - though I'm still trying to focus on moving forward.

On that point of moving forward - I'm still sharpening my skills, working on increasing my knowledge base and trying to expand my network into areas that I haven't touched on in over 30 years. I had a good foundation back then and put it all on the back burner to tend to the issues of life. Having children, trying to run a home, get an education and find work all ate up the time available to me. I lost so many opportunities because I didn't know they existed.

If I only knew then, what I know now, it would have been the key to changing my whole life! But that's why hindsight is 20/20 - Plus all the 'what if's' won't change the future - but they do offer great starting points in brainstorming ideas for writing.

The writing life is not an easy one, but it's my high - my addiction of sorts. Sometimes I think writers have a god complex somewhere inside - it's all about creating something. We torment our main characters, like a sadistic puppet master. We go over every little thing like someone obsessed till everything is just the way we want it.

Maybe writers are a little bit crazy - maybe not. Either way, it doesn't hurt and it just might make the whole process easier to deal with sometimes. Plus when it comes to some writers being crazy, it would explain a lot. But then I'm not naming names either. XD

For me, my mind's a rather crowded place. Not only are all aspects of me in there, but a continues flow of characters come and go like commuters in some intergalactic transport station. I think there's an attached hotel since some tend to hang around a while. Others tend to flit in and out on a regular bases, while others make a one time stop over - never to return. Surprisingly enough, I've sanity left to deal with the mental inside fantasy world and make sure it doesn't interfere with the outer reality that I'm stuck in physically.

I will admit, that I've a very nice bungalow on a lovely bit of beach front property, on one of the Azure Ondrea islands. It's in the Vestorius Quadrant of the Melgorian System, which is a popular retirement and tourist area. I especially love the multiple moons in the evening. The duel suns make for amazing sunsets. Unfortunately, I'm not a morning person, so I always miss out on the sunrises.

Of course, it's just a rental for those times when I really need to just get away and get some "me" time... It's a shame they don't allow outside the galactic quadrant purchasing - ownership is for planetary residents only.

Well, time for me to close this posting. My physical body is demanding some food and I'll admit I'm a bit thirsty. So thus my rolling rambling and flights of fancy must come to an end...for now. But who knows what I shall post about next time...

I've never been known to be overly predictable - it takes all the fun out of living. So until the when of my next entry - Carpe Diem!

It's been a bumpy ride lately...

Well a whole lots been going on offline that's been keeping me very involved. Not all of it is stuff I want to do, but it's stuff that I have to do.  Big difference. Needless to say there were some disappointments and obstacles that came up as they tend to do along this journey.
 
Most disheartening was that my opportunity to make some good money on a great project didn't develop as I'd hoped. The client didn't have the budget to pay me and decided to shelf the whole project for another time.

Not the first time that's happened, but when another client did about the same thing not a week later, it was becoming clear that the business was in big trouble. Clients with no funds means no business and lots of wasted time.  So I've been looking for other ways to earn some money since my business is closed down.

I've returned to something that has been a special passion for me since I was a young child. I've been doing some writing for expression, blogging and commenting online for a while also. I'd stopped writing some years ago and only just recently started up again as I missed it quite a bit. Writing's always been a very big part of who I am and when I stopped to pursue my online business it was like a piece of me was missing.

So I started to write again, posting some of my work up on a few writing sites. But now, I'm looking to give it another shot and see about getting published again. If I can freelance for now it will give me a bit more freedom.

I was last published over thirty years ago and I think maybe it's time to give it another chance before I take all my stories with me. My kids have told me time and time again that they don't want that to happen, so I've been busy doing quite a lot of writing the last few months. I just have to figure out what to do with it all so it can generate some income.

Now to be completely honest I've also been playing some MMORPGs - but then there's two main reasons that I play these sort of games.  One is that I enjoy them and they give me some stress relief. Some people work out, others listen to music or watch a favorite show or movie - I play a game of some kind, either online or on my computer. But the main focus is usually kicking something's butt - since I shouldn't be taking out violence on the people that drive me crazy.

For example the mortgage company people that raised my mortgage almost a hundred dollars, AFTER I put the paperwork in for a modification to LOWER my payment due to the hardships I'm having financially - along with so many others out there in this economy. I was hoping that they'd at least drop the 10.84% I have to something more reasonable.

Or the electric guy that reads my meter, who I'm guessing is a new guy, because I get a letter that he can't read my meter and was just estimating my bill due to the fact I have a "bad dog" in the yard that is in the way. This is annoying since he estimated the bill a tad high and the fact that the dog is chained inside the yard and she can't even reach the area he needs to go to. The only thing she has a habit of doing besides barking is trying to grab legs with her front paws. The fact that she's been there for the last 9 months and no one else has had any problem, leads me to believe this is a new non dog liking meter person. Needless to say she is now been moved to the other side of the yard where she can get more shade and not be bothered by this meter reader.

The other reason may seem a bit strange, but I get inspired and often develop characters inside these RPG style games. After playing on popular MMO I had a scene come to me as things like this often do, which I was quite excited by due to the conflict and the crossing of the proverbial "line" that some groups have when it comes to behavior and such.

So with a little prodding by my son, I wrote a fan fiction short. Something I'd never really done before. I mean, this was very different from my memoir shorts and went to a fictional place that I'd only experienced through the game environment. Surprisingly it turned out very nicely and encouraged I posted it up online. Since then I've had requests for more with the characters I used for that story.

I love writing, creating and taking the ride through my imagination to unbelievable worlds that I wish sometimes really existed so I could go explore them better.  It would be really great if I could get published again, but more than that I'd just love the chance to share my stories. If anyone would like to see some of the things I've already posted, the link to Writer's Cafe is on the home page. But I've also started posting on fanfiction.net - which would still be under Starrweaver.

If anyone wants me to start including some of my writing on here I could be persuaded to do so if enough asked me. Otherwise my kids will pester me until I do it anyway. lol

Currently I'm having some troubles with paying the utilities since I've had to put out so much more on the mortgage. I'm hoping that I can get some work or even sell a few things, though I'm running out of stuff. If I'm not on for some time it may be because I've been unable to cover paying for everything.  I may have to go to the library or see if I can borrow a laptop and leech a wireless connection over at the McDonald's or the diner down the road.

Till next time, stay safe and stay true to yourself,
Carpe Diem!

Have been down, but I'm not out...

at least not yet...

I've been down the last few weeks in more ways than I want to think about. Been down with  a head cold (really hate those, hard to think & you feel like one big headache), then got down  in the dumps, both literally and emotionally. (recycling more old metal for cash can lead to  some strange places.) The depression part didn't last too long, mostly 'cause I dislike the  whole numb feeling. So I got down to work and started doing some research, writing notes  and the basic steps to getting back into things. The new elect. bill is down, which is good. But  the overdue still needs to be paid and I'm broke - which is bad.

There are times when you go so far down that there isn't any place left to go but up. You  may even find your going up cause you've passed some cosmic middle and are no longer going  down. So much for the philosophical mumblings, time to move on. See, sleep dep has this  profound way of taking any point of view and skewering in sideways... Haven't been sleeping  too much of late. Would really like to have an off switch.  Sleeping would be so much easier if  I was able to shut down.

When things get more difficult, things go down... our income, our spirits, our options. The only  things that go up are things that we'd rather go down. Like bills, fees, prices - the general  costs of day to day living. Currently, my own situation reflects this situation - though I'm  fighting against it dragging me down. So many are struggling with financial troubles, lack of  work and the swiftly cannibalized charity systems. Opportunities and options are out  there...yet, for so long we've had no need to create our own future, use our wits or step  outside our "comfort zones"...the skills have grown weak for lack of use.

The world is like a roller coaster, with the ups and downs that give life some sense of  adventure and excitement. Too often the day to day grind wears away at our inner sense of  fun and makes it hard to remember the dreams we once had when our world was young.  Days when we looked forward to the future... to making changes and making our mark upon  the world. In the last 2yrs things have come crashing down... the financial machinations of  the corporations, the overblown hype that drove the capital of the world sat upon a  foundation of sand, cybernetic-ly speaking - but still ethereal, an illusion with no true value to  back it...

So it is here, amidst the wreckage of a hastily bulwark-ed economy, with patches and pitch we  seek to keep things afloat. Hoping that we will make it to a harbor in time, needing extensive  repairs. Our torn sails grasping at any true wind, we seek to reach port on pure  determination and bracing ourselves against any new storms... On the horizon there is hope,  light that cuts through the fog of doubt and cold of despair... Brighter days are ahead, if  only we can work together to bring it about.

My own struggles are small, others have suffered more. Yet while we stumble about trying  to hold our lives together, our own troubles seem like unmovable mountains. It's only by  reaching out to others that I've found I could forget about my own troubles for a little  while. In the grand scheme of things our own troubles are small, insignificant - yet they  consume us and control our lives. Our only true hope is to reach out and make the  connections that can ease the weight of our own problems in our efforts to aide another  with their difficulties. What seems impossible to one, may seem a breeze to solve for  another. By sharing the ingenuity and compassion within, we could solve so much heartache  and sorrow that fills the world around us. Block by block, a community at a time, the changes  can grow to overflow the boundaries that separate us from one another.

I've rambled on long enough, it's time for my mind to sleep and my body to rest. Tomorrow  is yet another day to seek a better way... a change of fortune and to continue to keep the spark of hope alive. I wish you all restful sleep, inspired thoughts and warmth of heart...