The 4th is gone & I'm still looking...

Once more the uninformed, clueless & just plain aggravating have decided to make life difficult. But then I guess that is their function in life, if only they would somehow choose instead to learn & educate themselves about things they're unfamiliar with, but maybe it's too much to ask. Common sense has been uncommon in the world the last few years, why would I think that it would apply now.

I've a welfare worker that wants proof that my daughter is being home schooled. Fine, I've already sent in the papers that show she's enrolled for the school year - not once, but twice. Now she's wanting to know when my daughter will graduate - so they can take her off medicaid. This woman doesn't seem to realize that with a home school correspondence course, you finish when the course work is done. There is no one that will be able to tell her when my daughter will graduate. She's over 50% done with the course work, with a 95% average. But how am I supposed to provide proof that my daughter is enrolled when the new school year hasn't even started yet? This is only the latest bump in the road to get ahead...

Those that have followed, know me or know of me, understand that I'm not one to give up. Weary of the none ending battle, sure. But not the sort that will just toss in the towel, I may get knocked down, but I'm not the type  to stay there. Over the years I've been kicked to the curb, abused, manipulated & conned. Even though I may have sat there collecting myself, not getting back up to try again wasn't an option. Sure, I've been sick and tired of being, sick and tired. But things don't change if you do nothing, so I have to at least try. But getting sick last month didn't help things move forward very far though...

Unfortunately, my score of a big web site design gig fell flat once more. I had been working on a site for a transportation group and put in a lot of work since they stated they needed things running for the business. I figured that if they were making money, then I'd make the money for creating the site they wanted. Well, it sorta didn't happen that way. The site is stuck were it is, I'm not working on it any more. Why? Because for a $1,125.00 site with all the flash, graphics, forms, everything - I've only been paid $350.00. The second site that they asked to be set up, while I was working on the first one, surprised me, most clients wait for one site at a time to be completed. But there had also been a promise of even more sites to be made so I decided to stop work on the one site to quickly set it up as per their requirements the second site. Once again, another transportation site with graphics, flash, forms and more for $450.00. So far, I've only received $50 for this site's work.

Now I can understand how tight money is, after all, I'm living in the same situation as most others that are struggling to pay their bills, feed their families and just keep things going. But one would think that a business would have set aside funds to do these projects. Well, so far there's been no more payments and I'm not working on any paying projects. I'm doing some freelance work, but only to keep my skills up and continue to improve them. But I'm not getting any money, which unfortunately is in short supply, though the need for it is great.

Personally, I wish that I could get the things I need for my family without the transfer of currency. Paper isn't what's valued, it's what it can get for my family that makes it have value. I've been needing a twin size bunk bed for my son's room. We gave away the toddler bed and baby things to a young mother that needed them. He's sharing the bunk in his brother's room now, but he misses his own room.

We still don't have a working oven, this will be the third fall in a row that we don't have Thanksgiving Turkey or my pumpkin pies, if I don't find one soon. I miss being able to bake for the holidays, let alone the rest of the year.

Since my cousin had to come stay with us due to being out of work and having no where to go things are difficult. My grown son's here too due to not being able to afford a place when companies started laying people off. Plus my daughter's eighteen now and still trying to find work, plus she's due to lose her medical benefits soon too. Trouble is, with no transportation no one can really get anywhere.

My cousin has two cars that he's trying to fix, his own and a friend's car. But his car's engine is toast & he can't figure out what's making the fuses ground out on the other car. So he rides a bike to and from the part time job he's been able to get. My older kids still go out to collect scrap metal, cans & dead car batteries so we can get a little money from that. Sometimes we luck out and get a good haul, other times it's best to just horde it till we have a good amount.

I'm not giving up, but there has to be a better way to earn money than struggling and fighting for jobs like wild dogs over scraps. There has to be a way for myself to get some freelance work that pays. I need to get my portfolio set up on my homepage - since moving my site, I need to set up all the things that I had on the old one - but without the widgets that make it so easy to do. Maybe then I might get a nibble, but till then I'm still looking...

What other choice have I, than to keep trying to make things better for my family?

Carpe Diem!

Can't find work? Then Hire yourself!

Everyone has something that they can offer someone else. From helping someone learn to read, to teaching someone how to do something. (like play piano, make a cake or how to knit) We all have life experience that we've got stored up inside. We all have hobbies, interests and things we're passionate or energized about. All of that that is inside can be put to work to bring in not only money, but it can make you feel really good about what your doing too.

But how do you get what you know, out of you and available to someone else? That takes some thinking and planning. But then looking for work takes some time and work too. The difference here is that you're doing it to make income for yourself not someone else.

Maybe you're good at teaching things, then you could find a way to share this with people that want to learn the skills you have to offer.

Not a people person, that's okay too. You can still teach things without ever even seeing a student. With so many easy to use programs and a digital camera you can make a video of yourself or someone doing step by step what you are teaching. Writing a how to book is also a great way to teach as you can have images to show how to do things. If you combine the two and make an ebook - you can offer it online and make it interactive with video and links to more resources.

Now besides teaching what you know, there are other things that are wide open. Services and information are the most profitable thing right now. So many people need information of a ton of topics to help them with their problems or situations. We are a society that is addicted to information. Services are also a great revenue creator. Think of all the services you've used over the years. Services that others use around you and then think if you can provide any services that people are needing.

Like Bigwell's motto "Find a need - Fill a need"

But don't jump ahead of yourself, I also try to remember what my uncle told me when I was younger. He gave two bits of advice that I try to keep in mind.

"KISS - Keep it safe and simple" and "Work smarter, not harder"

Often we make things a lot more complicated than they need to be. We also don't think about sticking to the areas that are safe - both money wise, legal wise & health wise. Another thing that many have to relearn is that working yourself into the ground isn't going to pay off in a big way like it did a century ago. Besides, it didn't rally pay off all that big back then either. Putting the biggest muscle to work - your mind is a step in the right direction.

People say we can think, it's what makes us both good and bad. We don't run solely on instincts - but not listening to that "little voice" can sometimes cost you everything. So try to find a balance between what you "feel is right" and if your head agrees with it. There is no reason to reinvent something that's already been invented - unless you can make it better. Try to think in ways that are not only out of the box, but from completely different perspectives. Brainstorming can be a lot of fun and offer a pay off in more than just cash.

If you've spend month trying to find work...don't you think you can spend some time evaluating what you could be offering or sharing in a business of your own...Plus you don't have to fly solo - maybe you've got one half and someone else has one half of a great idea. Bring the two together and you've got something really great!

The number one thing that you can do for yourself is to educate that brain of yours. Searching for a job won't expand your opportunities or broaden the possibilities ahead. But learning, that can open a huge range of nearly unlimited options that you can go after. Even if you decide to find work or a job rather than start your own business - new knowledge will make you more likely to find something that will be a great match as well as more rewarding.

Wherever you do don't create limits that you don't need. You should already know what your abilities are, what your strengths are and what you are good at. There's no need to stuff yourself into a small box when there are enough things trying to block you or put you down. Don't limit yourself more - don't deny yourself the chance to really find something you love to do...something that will give you more than just a paycheck or income.

Plus there is something that many don't realize. An online business at home is a way to level the playing field. You can be from any background, culture, age, or ability. You can be a parent, senior or even a group of teens. What your clients or customers see is a business. If you are professional, offer good services or products & have a positive attitude. Those that find you the first time will come back again if they are satisfied. To them, it's the business - not the business owner that's important. So don't thnk you're too old, young or whatever. This is an open door...walk in & see where it goes.

The best way to work is to find something we love to do and get paid doing it. Then it's no longer work - it just becomes a part of having a better life. Part of something you really enjoy. What could be better than that? Good luck!

Keep dreaming, keep moving forward and never lose hope...

Carpe Diem!

Another birthday gone

This last Sat. was my birthday...just another day as things went. But I was a bit depressed by it's arrival and subsequent departure. It seems that the day just keeps counting the years till the end of my given time. The closer I get to the proverbial "hill" the more I dread the ticking of the yearly clock that pushes me ever closer.

I've looked behind me, at the descent of my health, the damage of stress and the deterioration of my physical abilities. Even my memory and sharpness mentally have been effected over the last few years.

I fight the inevitable, but I'm not some celebrity with truckloads of cash to go to some fancy "body shop" spa and get the wrinkles ironed out, the flab tucked or the assets lifted. The years of struggle, to carve out a niche and support my family have left telltale signs.

I used to dye my hair as blond as I could, seeking to recapture the sun bleached style of younger days. But also because I could hide the multiplying white hairs that began to appear...in blond hair I could call them highlights.

But the blond of my youth turned to the natural golden brown and at times I'd give in and let it take over. And with money tight I've had little choice. Now the snow and silver are slowly taking over and the darker chestnut and golden browns are often intertwined with snowy white and silver threads.

I know that I need to try and get myself healthier, but despite the countless visits to the doctor and test after test there is nothing solid to diagnose. A random number of things are wrong, but nothing to link it all together...though I believe that the high stress I've been under for several years may be a large part of the problem.

It is easier said that done to remove the stress from ones life. I've tried my best to keep my center, but financial issues and shortages are far too frequent now. With the lost income from my cousin and the rise in expenses, there's a huge gap in the going out and coming in columns. No matter how hard I try, I have to admit that I'm still floundering as I try to establish some way to make some extra income streams.

I'm hoping that I can keep my focus, reinvent myself and find a way to get ahead this year. I need to make changes; I need to increase my income and find a way to make the changes I want happen. I don't know how, but I need to find a way to move forward.

If I could find the things I need without the cash, I'd do so, but somehow in a world run on paper currency, I am stuck having to amass as much as I'm able to get things moving.

For those that has passed that mid-life marker, I salute your strength and dedication to press on to find a way to reach your goals and dreams. So many have found the path to reinvent themselves in the later half that proves, there's no decline in life after 50, if you choose to rededicate yourself to the journey.

I've some years left to try and recapture that passion and lust for the time ahead, to enjoy the experience and not dwell on the eventual end that lays on the horizon. There's a million memories, thousands of tears and tons of laughter still ahead. I just need to focus on the gift of the day and find the joy to look forward to the surprises of tomorrow.

Warm, Bright Blessings to all...

My son's birthday

Time sure does slip away, it seems like only a short time ago he was just a little boy that was always hungry, even right after we ate!
I finally figured out where all that food was going...he shot up to 6' after his 14th birthday! He's been holding steady at 6' 4" since he turned 20, so I think he's done.

But seeing him sometimes makes me wonder where all the time went...
It feels like we have forever, running in the fields chasing butterflies, wading in the shallows to find tadpoles, and then as I turn, the moment's gone, it's over. And there's a young man who towers above me, he smiles that lost little boy's crooked smile, as he head's out again to look for work.

Has it really been so many years? I look at my daughter, my little tech artist takes after her grandmother and at 18 isn't quite as tall as myself. Yet, I tend to forget that she's a young woman now who's due to get engaged this summer, if all goes according to their plans. And I wonder at how quickly my nest is growing less crowded.

My little one is still here with his endless singing, humming and sound effects. He sings about whatever he's doing; nonsense sing songs that are equally out of tune and in. He talks for his toys in a dozen different voices. He puts them through adventures with a barrage of sound effects that seeks to join the current cacophony of my daughter's pounding music and the blaring noise from the television too.

It is a small comfort, because it keeps at bay the deafening silence that will someday descend when they have all gone. I do not relish that moment, so for now...I join in the symphony of dueling sounds and turn my own music up just a little. Perhaps I seek to drive that day of silence farther away into the future...or at least, believe that I can, even though I know that nothing I do will really stop it.

Time goes on no matter if we pay attention or let it slip away...but if we try to make as many memories as we can in the time we have...maybe it won't be so bad when there are no more memories to make...and we'll have left a treasured legacy behind, within those that shared them with us.

Looking Back at This Time of Year.

As I have browsed the many postings, I see so many asking for Christmas help, help to get toys/gifts for children. Yes, I can understand how this mindset has been adopted over so many years. But sometimes I wonder if we aren't setting up our children in a very hurtful way. That no matter what, there will magically be toys under the tree for them.

I've seen it all over online, videos of kids getting gifts and then having a royal fit because it isn't what they want, they don't think clothes, books or such is a real gift and tons more. Like complaining that the car you just got sucks because you don't like the color. Like getting mad that you didn't get a top tech toy and a friend did. We are setting up the entitlement mentality that's such an issue in the world today.

I know that there are folks out there that still believe in the same traditions that were popular when I was a kid...several decades ago.

I was taught that any gift was something to be thankful for and that giving a gift meant so much more.

So I'm giving thanks to those I have around me at home. I'm thankful that we're still in our house, the utility bills are paid till the end of this year. That we have food in the house, enough to last as long as we ration it out wisely. That aside from allergies or tummy, head and body aches, we're in fair health for now. (Not counting pre-existing conditions) That so far the heaters, blankets, sweatshirts, gloves, socks and hats are keeping us all warm inside, during this cold snap we're going through. I'm thankful for the simple fact that each morning that I wake up, I wake up. It gives me another day to be grateful for all that I do have right now. It also gives me another chance to keep things going, so that we can keep all these things we have right now.

My daughter has hinted that she'd like an MP3 player, but I've also over heard her telling her siblings that as long as the utilities are paid, the mortgage is paid and we're all okay...it will be an okay holiday. My older son agreed and stated that all he wanted was a job so that he could help out.

The youngest one said he wanted Noble, the sugar fairy from the Thumbelina video. Trouble is there is no such toy or figure that I can find anywhere. He got the video for his birthday in Nov. and has watched it dozens of times already. He has really become charmed by that little fairy. The only thing else he's wanted is Thomas, the train engine play set - he's asked for it every year since he was 4yrs old. He'd gotten a big play set one year, his older brother got it for a little over $50 on sale. Unfortunately, it was stolen a few days later by a guest who was staying with us at the time. Someone my cousin had felt badly for since he had no place to go for the Holiday.

My cousin was a truck driver back then and came to drop by for Christmas. He ran into a guy he had met before some time back. The guy had lost his apt. and had no place to go. He said that he could sleep in the bottom bunk of the truck's cab. He ate with us for Christmas, we treated him well and he seemed alright, pleasant enough. But two days after Christmas, he was gone. The train set was gone, a blender and my daughter's new Mr Coffee was gone. He might have tried to get more, but the only accessible rooms were the living room, kitchen and bathroom. All other doors were locked. But I leave the front door open for my cousin when he's visiting so he can get to those rooms. My cousin locks up his tools, so they were fine. The guy didn't get much, but what he took hurt us.

We never saw him again. My cousin looked for him, but had no luck either. So it's been something that we've wanted to fix ever since. But those Thomas toys are very costly even when on sale. It's not possible to do this yet. I'm hoping that maybe a Carebear will fill in for Noble. Maybe...lol - if I could get the material I'd love to try and make him that sugar fairy. I'm sure that he'd be very surprised. But for now, I just want to make sure he has what he needs. Later I will do what I can to make things nicer.

But as I've said before, I'm hoping that we all remember to be thankful and grateful for all those things that we DO have already. I also hope that those that are needing the very basic things will be able to find help to get them.

A very warm and loving Holiday to all of you and may it be a brighter and better New Year's ahead for us all.

Carpe Diem!

Some Holiday Cheer

It's difficult times and for older kids, I'm hoping that they can understand that the Holidays may not be like those in the past. But there is something that nearly anyone can do to try and make the best of it this year. So dust off your imagination, brush up on your grade school craft and middle school home ec skills and lets get busy.

I recall my own holidays, granted that's a long time ago. But just as things were a bit low tech back then, it may be somewhat low tech now too. What we did was build memories that have stayed with me much longer than others did.

Decorations - what's the holiday without a little cheer. To help make a fake tree feel real, try getting some of those cheap (buck or two) car scent trees or some pine scent candles. Cinnamon and peppermint are also scents to spice up the house.
To decorate the tree, maybe lights aren't available this year. Make a paper link chain for garland. Make foil balls, pop some popcorn and string the popcorn and make garland. Cut out images out of mags or advertisements and if you take tape and put a strip where you then make a hole - it won't tear easy. Then thread, make a loop and hang. You can cut out letters and images to tape to a window. Take a pretty doll, smallish that may or may not have wings and put her at the top of the tree. Or make an aluminum star to put on top.

Now look around the net for a good play dough recipe. I prefer one without a lot of salt. Especially with little kids, they may just try to eat it. Then with a little food coloring, dyes left over from an egg dying kit or some such you can make the clay different colors. It would be a nice little project for making a little gift. Some doughs need to be baked to harden and then painted. Others will air dry - be sure to check out the instructions for the recipe you use.
You could make cute decorations for the tree too.

Cutting out snowflakes is another craft that takes some work. Getting the pattern for the snow flakes is optional, but often recommended so you don't wind up with some very odd looking cut outs. These can be strung about the room or even a garland can be made with the right pattern. There is sure to be an abundance of resources on the net.

Making funnel cakes, sugar cookies, pies and an assortment of treats (recipes online) with the kids in the kitchen can make some fun memories as long as it isn't approached overly serious. Messes happen and it's the sharing and caring, not the condition of the mini concoctions that's important. Look for items at the grocery store that would be perfect for making small cakes/pies and take a small amount of imagination to create.

Hot apple cider, candy canes to decorate the tree, holiday music and the smell of pine and baked goods all can make the whole holiday feel a lot nicer. As for the gifts to put under the tree or in stockings. Think about giving someone a gift of time. A coupon that offers the holder a gift from you. Time to read a story. Time to take a walk. Go to the park for an hour. Watch a movie together. Whatever you want to offer. Just remember, you also have to honor those coupons or they won't be much of a gift.

Even just sending a homemade card and a handwritten note, is a gift of time, to someone special. It can be that simple and mean so very much to that person.

Go through your stored stuff, most people have far too much stuff stored away they haven't seen in ages. Regift some things that you find or hit the dollar store to get the small sample items. Or try a salvation army, good will or thrift store. That's stuff other people finally got rid of - maybe ask if the thrift shop will take some of your things and make some money.

Now for those that would like to get help in the coming months. Get a MyPoints account, then visit your email and click to view the offers that they send you. You get 5 points for each email viewed. Now be sure to fill out their profile questionnaire as that gives more points. They also have surveys...2-3 questions for 50 points. Fairly easy.

Then for you limited few that still shop online, ebay, amazon, etc. Go to the main MyPoints site and THEN go to the ebay (or other) site through their link. Not only are you going to pay for the item you got anyway, by doing a few more clicks to get there through MyPoints you can get points for every dollar you spend, sometimes more.

Now why do you want these points? Because you can trade them in for a gift card. Like $25,$50,$100 cards for Walmart, Kmart and other stores. There are cards for restaurants, book stores, even hotels. The rewards area can tell you more.

Over the last 5yrs that my sister and I've been members of MyPoints, we've spend hundreds of dollars in gift cards. We used to use them as stocking stuffers for the kids, but then it was Walmart/Kmart cards to get stuff that we needed due to not having the money to get it any other way. My sister travels and she's used cards to get a room or food when she needed one due to hiccups during trips.

So hope that some of these idea have been inspiring. There are lots more things that you can do if you think about the old fashioned kind of celebrations that people enjoyed back in the 1950's or around that area. We can do a lot to not only help to enjoy our own holiday, but to help others enjoy their own. It's more than money, it's time, sharing and caring - listening, connecting and making memories together.

I wish you and yours a very warm and wonderful Holiday and a bountiful New Year to come.

Carpe Diem!

Holiday Blues are Getting me Down

Feeling the Holiday Blues starting to creep up on me. What with the financial issues, bills and not having enough to do much of anything - I'm still worried about those out there that are doing worse.
Getting some things together to give out some children books, toys and clothes to a few people I met online. I can't do much for my own, but maybe I can offer something for someone else.

But low energy hasn't been helping me get the boxes and bags packed up very fast. After budgeting in the bills from the income, I'm still short every month - there just isn't enough funds coming in. That's why we'd been scrapping. But with the cooler weather it's getting to be a challenge finding cans in our area. Drinkers are looking for someplace warm to drink, not stand around outside any more.

I've been working on the cooking site, but I'm stuck at the moment due to not having the money to pay for hosting. I'm going to have to figure out a way to set it up for free. Then see if I can get visitors to subscribe to it or to donate funds for the hosting. I'm having a hard time with setting up the database for the recipes since I only have free hosting.

Maybe a few days and I'll feel better. Just feel rather numb, distant and disconnected.
Hope all find some assistance in these hard times...

Happy Thanksgiving

There's always something to be thankful for as long as you can take a breath, there is hope to make some kind of change. So be thankful that you've that opportunity to find help, reach out and live another day.

I've finally added my design page to my homepage website. I wanted to get that done before turkey day takes me away. The turkey has been pardoned, we're having ham this year...lol

Although a friend might let me use her oven while she's off for the Holiday with family, so that bird may get cooked before the end of Nov. yet.

Been stressed lately, but doing okay. Got family here together for now. Not sure about next month, though I'm hoping that my son won't go till after the Holidays. There's a chance that he will have a job up north, staying with my niece there, she's got an extra room for him to use. It will be very odd not having him here since he does a lot of my errands for me.

Heard some possible good news from my cousin the trucker. He may be hired on with a different company. Waiting to hear about that after Thanksgiving. Hopefully it will be good news and he'll be able to get back to work after almost 16 months. Since he was an independent contractor under another trucker before, he received no unemployment benefits. This time he's applying directly to the company instead of just being a freelancer.

Well, hope that everyone can keep it together a little longer. Brightest blessings to you all and to your families.

Drifting Thoughts on a Dark, Rainy Day

It's had been raining. But it's over now.
I sit in my chair, in my room while distant voices chatter beyond the closed door.
I'm supposed to be resting. But the pain won't let me find peace. So I sit here. It's not so bad this way.
I like being close to the open window, it's low enough that I can see outside.
I can smell the rain.
I can hear the soft taps of the drops that drip. Leaves outside my window, that little tree has grown so big.
The voices inside become more distant, as I lay my head against the window sill.
Leaning side to side isn't so bad. It's bending that hurts so much.
I look up into the greenery. Some leaves poking in past the open window; I have no screen to stop them.
Dark wet branches twisting upward. My, the little tree is almost to the peak of the roof!
Has time sped on so swiftly? What was I doing that I forgot to notice?
Memories like an out of focus movie drift in a jumble of fleeting images.
I look out at the pale sky, inhale the wet moist earthy scents and feel the longing of my youth.
Of running in the rain, the smell of fresh cut grass and the freedom of being outside in the country.
The hikes taken through the woods, of wading into the river to spear or net trout heading upstream.
I close my eyes and let myself feel and hear...
The cool caress of the air, cleaned by the rain, I can smell the sharp scents of autumn ever so faintly.
The hum of the factories and the highway traffic that's not far away is like white noise.
The conversations of people, the wet sound of car tires on still wet roads, the noise of children and pets.
All drown out the sound of the raindrops that fall to the leaves...
While I sit by the window...
I look and see that night has been creeping closer as I listened in my own darkness.
I wonder sadly, when along the stream of life, I got cast up onto the shore.
Watching as it flows on past while I long to return to it's vibrant currents.
When did I get old?
I've discovered that it's nothing to do with age, experience or knowledge...
Old is that feeling of being invisible. Of looking at your image in the mirror and not knowing who it is that is looking back.
It's not a number, it's a state of mind or rather a state of being.
One does not suddenly "become" old upon reaching their 50th, 60th or higher birth year.
One can become old and yet be very young in years.
I slide the window closed as the darkness grows within my room. I dislike being a donor to the blood drinking insects.
Though of late I'd willingly cross over if a real Lestat or other such type made me the offer.
To escape the confines, the limitations and restrictions that divide me from the rush of life - How could I say no?
If I'm to sup from the glass, filled with the life blood, harvested from the vibrant masses, then so be it.
Barbaric, perhaps. But not inhuman. We do far worse to one another in the course of a day. than any creature or beast.
Of late I sometimes wonder if we have become something less than human, if humane be the ideal of the word.
For in the darkness, with the screen of my monitor the only light, I wonder when we became so lost in ourselves.
A small knock at the door, it opens slowly and my youngest peeks inside.
He smiles at me, seeing that I'm up and awake. He covers his eyes with his hand.
I close mine as he turns on the light. When I open my eyes the light is only a little harsh, he's dimmed it down.
With my vision fading, I can't make out details, not even up close. But he comes to my chair and hugs me.
"Do you feel better now?" he asks me.
I can't help, but smile and reply, "Yes, much better now my dear."
It is a lie, but one I can live with. I don't want him to know my pain. I don't want him to worry.
Yet I long to be the woman I once was, before my world came crashing down.
I want to be the mother he deserves, one that can play, run and swing him around.
I do not see the mother I once was, now I appear as a grandmother, when my reflection I see.
Time has taken a toll far greater than I wish to pay, relentless stress and ill health have added their price too.
A voice calls out from another room, my young son kisses my cheek and dashes off in reply.
I look at my computer, the monitor glows and I am thankful for the one thing that I can still claim.
Through the connections, the networks and resources that are dug up like vast pirate treasures...I live.
In that world with no form, I can be all that I once was and become even more than I can physically here.
Despite the cards dealt that cheated me from being as active as I used to be, chaining me in pain...
I can claim the key of knowledge, the crown of mental determination to achieve what I set out to do.
Road blocks, obstacles are breached by the technology that offers me some small freedoms.
My victory is bittersweet, for I still long for the days of my memory - when I was truly free....
But when one is captive, one relishes what small tastes of freedom one can get...even if it's not really real...
I missed out on watching the rain...
Maybe I'll get to next time.

Some Magical Family Fun to Share

If you have any kids or niece/nephews or grandkids...there's a fun game online that's safe for them to play. It's Wizard 101 and it's both a RPG and a card game in one.
I go on and play with my young son often. We have lots of fun together.
If you would like to join up here is a friendship code that you can use to join up...
This is my son's S810D-79429-1243M-94153
my sister's X814D-79329-18J2M-0E658 and my own code Z656D-3L9M7-24Q5M-8L29Q
- the codes offer a bonus for new free members. My daughter got a special pet dragon when she used my code. It's a companion pet, I don't know if t here are different kinds of bonuses, but I thought it would be nice to offer the codes here. Oh, to redeem the friendship code, you have to go to www.wizard101.com/friend and type it in where it asks for it.

We also got an email when we joined up, telling us were getting free crowns! Crowns are in-game money that you can buy special items with. It was very nice to get them and we have had a lot of fun playing together.
The card game helps my son to learn cause and effect, resistances, weaknesses and how to follow instructions to get a reward. Plus there are pets, mounts and lots of mini-games, events and quests.

Hope to see you in game...it's not often you can find free and kid friendly entertainment. Plus they learn, but you may not want to tip them off to that information....lol  It may not be much, but with the way the world is currently, a little distraction and fun is always welcome.

Carpe Diem!

In Rememberance of Hunter 8/2006

The first week in August was the start of the bad times that rolled over us. At 7:30AM a pickup truck had a blow out and crashed into our yard through the chain link fence. It took out a flowering tree and hit the metal post of the gate so hard it bounced back almost 3 feet!

Our pet, Hunter, was chained up in the front yard...when the sound of the crash woke us up we felt sure that our companion was dead. Imagine our relief when we went out and found him alive...frightened and barely able to move with only a few feet not caught under the truck wheel.

We brought our Hunter inside to enjoy the air conditioning and he rested and behaved himself wonderfully inside. We had to walk him on his leash since the yard was open now...the insurance company told the guy's boss that they couldn't come and fix my yard. (Despite the fact they were willing to come and do it later in the afternoon, the day of the accident. Since it was a company truck. They even went and bought the supplies to do the job...)

Hunter seemed alright, he was quiet and only made a fuss if he had to go out. He'd been taught not to play in the house due to his size. He was a large white shepherd mix - very much a ham and big baby when it came to thunder and fireworks.  Almost a week later, I finally got the side yard set up so he could be hooked up outside again. Walking on a lease just wasn't enough exercise for him anyway. So we got him settled in and I went out to give him his dinner that late afternoon. He seemed fine, he was laying down and came over when I put his dish down. His appetite had been normal and he'd given no sign of illness or of injury the whole time he was inside. He just slept most of the time and got up to go out and eat...

The next morning my daughter came to me in tears..."Hunter's dead!" she told me. I rushed outside and sure enough, there he lay on his side like he always did when he was napping. But there was a very obvious feeling that he wasn't asleep, just the way he lay there...I knew he was gone. I just couldn't understand it...how? He'd been alive and he seemed okay the afternoon before...how could he be gone now?

I called up the vet and talked with her about it. She listened and asked some questions. She knew Hunter well and said that only an autopsy would give the details. But I didn't have the money for it, nor did I really want him cut open like a turkey either. She said that her best guess was that he had been hit by the truck when it crashed into the yard. It might have been a glancing blow, but with enough force to cause some internal injuries. She also said that I shouldn't blame myself, knowing full well if Hunter had shown any sign of injury that I'd have rushed him in to see her.  A few days later the staff sent a very nice card to tell us how sorry they were at our loss.

Of course, I was told that without the autopsy the insurance company would not "pay me for the loss of the  animal". Like they could ever pay me enough to take the hurt away, they couldn't give me what my daughter and I wanted most...we wanted Hunter back!

But then everything is reduced to numbers and values when it comes to claims. It all has to add up nicely to an answerable sum. Mostly the lowest of sums is the most agreeable to keep the company in the black.

We lay him to rest and we grieved for the loss of our friend, only 4 yrs old and taken from us so suddenly. Our joy was now bitter sorrow, yet we did spend almost a week with him close to us. Even if it was only borrowed time, it was time that we spent together. I will remember him in the memories we have of him...from the fluffy butterball puppy he was...to the sweet, yet silly bear he grew up to become.

Our yard is still a mess, almost a month after the accident. I only just today got the check from them for the value of the repairs. I was told that it would be the least amount of the three estimates given...but it still doesn't take away the heartache of seeing that yard torn up...reminding us of our loss...day after day while we waited. I don't know what I'm going to do just yet with the money.  But at least tomorrow we can start to clear away the damage to the yard. In a way it will be the final closure that we've needed for a while now.

Maybe now as we enter September, we can find a more positive path to travel. We need some sunshine to come and warm us...we've been in a cloudy darkness that has taken away the joy we once felt. But I know that in time, we will find our way back from this loss. Our hearts are still tender and need to heal. Only time, family and fond remembrance will ease the pain of this tragedy.

We miss you Hunter...where ever you are...you will always be in our hearts and thoughts. Thank you for being such a good friend and companion...you're forever a part of our family.

Reposted in memory of our dear Hunter.

We still have his son, Cerberus, who is now 5yrs old, but we hope to find him a good home since our money problems are making it almost impossible to keep him. I've been trying to get up money for the vet, for food that he'll eat and all - but it's harder as time goes by. The financial issues are steep and I know that I need to make sure that we have the utilities on and a roof over our heads. I know Cerberus would understand, but so far I've found no one that would give him a good home.

I want him to be part of a family, given attention and love. So far I've not found the right people for him yet...we know that if we want what's best for him, we need to let him go. Since we can't give him what he needs...it bothers me when he gets a bit lean, he's picky and won't settle for the cheap dog food. I've given him my share of food far too often to help him stay fit...

I hope that Hunter understands my need to find Cerberus a new family...I know that he'd worry about us as he was always trying to take care of us himself. Thanks for reading my posting...

Just wanted to drop in here for a quick update.

I know I haven't been in here as much as I would like to be. But I've been having to deal with the reality offline and sometimes that's just how it has to be. But the great thing about doing things offline, it that you can get a lot of new ideas and feel good about what you're doing with family.

So I just wanted to let anyone who comes in that I'm working on a new project that has to do with videos. Yes, I'm finally going to be working with videos and getting them online. I've some new work that I'm excited about since it's involving travel and reservations. More than likely there is going to be some flash, so this is going to keep me hopping.
The great thing about this whole thing is that I can do what I enjoy doing - and make money doing it. That is a sweet deal.




I'm going to busy for a bit, especially with taxes and everything else going on right now. I just hope that this comes through for me. I don't want to have things get delayed again. It seems to happen all the time, so I really shouldn't get so excited about it. But I really hope that it does happen.

So I'm going to be updating here more, but I've got to start working on these projects. Then I'll have a lot of updates to do and plenty of video to set up too. So till I can get back here with another update or blog posting - Carpe Diem!

Ticket fo the Realm of Fantasy

Due to a rather bothersome back injury and the resulting down time, I've decided to take a leave of absence from reality and all the b.s. that is going on in it. Besides, it's preferable to a breakdown...

I'm also going to be on a journey of discovery. I'm going to discover what it is that I want to do with the next 10-15 yrs of my life... It sure as heck isn't what I've been doing! Working like a dog trying to stay financially afloat is not living. Surviving, maybe...but definitely not living. I think I'd like to try living for a little while...see all that I've been missing.

I'm also going to see if my dreams are still waiting for me. I put a few up on a shelf some time ago and I think it's time to dust them off and see if there is anything I can do to achieve them. I've been so busy trying to earn money, trying to keep ahead of the bills and just get by one more day...I've forgotten what it was I was killing myself for....that there has to be a better way to reach those dreams I made for not only myself...but for my family.

So I'm going to be going away for a while...not sure when I'll be back. I have a lot of searching and rediscovery ahead and I don't want anything to interrupt it. Besides, with the bed rest and the pain medz I don't think I'll be able to come visit for a bit anyway.

I do have some reading to catch up on too. Keep putting things off so I can help out others...well, it's time for me to take some time off. I hope that you'll all have blue skies and good luck while I'm gone...although I don't know if anyone will miss me or even notice I'll be away. But I wish it just the same...see you again when I get back.

Carpe Diem!

Elusiveness of Time

No matter how many hours pass within each day, there never seems to be enough to complete all that I've the need or desire to accomplish.
My list of projects and chores go forever on...
My time is claimed before it arrives. I find that even when I complete a task or two - that several more yet await my attention.
My days feel unending as I tend to the endless things that need to be done.
Three a.m. and 7 p.m. hold no difference as I work through my chores.
Sleep is something that descends upon me at unscheduled times as my exhaustion claims my consciousness for a few hours.

I can still recall my youth, of fresh cut grass and lazy summertime days that seem to go on forever.
Of fresh strawberries and whipped cream, swimming and catching tadpoles and tiny frogs.
I remember the early days of my motherhood, of walks to the boardwalk and playing in the sand.
Lullabies and little giggles, playing in the waterspout and having riding the carousel at the park.

I recall these memories out of time, I can relive them in a moment.
I see my children as they laugh and cry, play and work over the years as they have grown.
Yet I don't remember growing old myself, as I've watched them mature and go off on their own.
Following the path they have chosen for now, though I've still the younger ones safe at home.
I watch as they are changing, growing and I know that it won't be too long before they too will fly off into the world on their own road.

But time for all it's forever constant, it's eternal flow... It seems ever elusive to claim.
To mark the moments and save the memories, it's all I can do.
For I feel that no matter how many things I try to fill into those moments, someday I'll have none left to use.
And all those things I've wanted, desired or needed to do will be left undone.