Another birthday gone

This last Sat. was my birthday...just another day as things went. But I was a bit depressed by it's arrival and subsequent departure. It seems that the day just keeps counting the years till the end of my given time. The closer I get to the proverbial "hill" the more I dread the ticking of the yearly clock that pushes me ever closer.

I've looked behind me, at the descent of my health, the damage of stress and the deterioration of my physical abilities. Even my memory and sharpness mentally have been effected over the last few years.

I fight the inevitable, but I'm not some celebrity with truckloads of cash to go to some fancy "body shop" spa and get the wrinkles ironed out, the flab tucked or the assets lifted. The years of struggle, to carve out a niche and support my family have left telltale signs.

I used to dye my hair as blond as I could, seeking to recapture the sun bleached style of younger days. But also because I could hide the multiplying white hairs that began to appear...in blond hair I could call them highlights.

But the blond of my youth turned to the natural golden brown and at times I'd give in and let it take over. And with money tight I've had little choice. Now the snow and silver are slowly taking over and the darker chestnut and golden browns are often intertwined with snowy white and silver threads.

I know that I need to try and get myself healthier, but despite the countless visits to the doctor and test after test there is nothing solid to diagnose. A random number of things are wrong, but nothing to link it all together...though I believe that the high stress I've been under for several years may be a large part of the problem.

It is easier said that done to remove the stress from ones life. I've tried my best to keep my center, but financial issues and shortages are far too frequent now. With the lost income from my cousin and the rise in expenses, there's a huge gap in the going out and coming in columns. No matter how hard I try, I have to admit that I'm still floundering as I try to establish some way to make some extra income streams.

I'm hoping that I can keep my focus, reinvent myself and find a way to get ahead this year. I need to make changes; I need to increase my income and find a way to make the changes I want happen. I don't know how, but I need to find a way to move forward.

If I could find the things I need without the cash, I'd do so, but somehow in a world run on paper currency, I am stuck having to amass as much as I'm able to get things moving.

For those that has passed that mid-life marker, I salute your strength and dedication to press on to find a way to reach your goals and dreams. So many have found the path to reinvent themselves in the later half that proves, there's no decline in life after 50, if you choose to rededicate yourself to the journey.

I've some years left to try and recapture that passion and lust for the time ahead, to enjoy the experience and not dwell on the eventual end that lays on the horizon. There's a million memories, thousands of tears and tons of laughter still ahead. I just need to focus on the gift of the day and find the joy to look forward to the surprises of tomorrow.

Warm, Bright Blessings to all...

My son's birthday

Time sure does slip away, it seems like only a short time ago he was just a little boy that was always hungry, even right after we ate!
I finally figured out where all that food was going...he shot up to 6' after his 14th birthday! He's been holding steady at 6' 4" since he turned 20, so I think he's done.

But seeing him sometimes makes me wonder where all the time went...
It feels like we have forever, running in the fields chasing butterflies, wading in the shallows to find tadpoles, and then as I turn, the moment's gone, it's over. And there's a young man who towers above me, he smiles that lost little boy's crooked smile, as he head's out again to look for work.

Has it really been so many years? I look at my daughter, my little tech artist takes after her grandmother and at 18 isn't quite as tall as myself. Yet, I tend to forget that she's a young woman now who's due to get engaged this summer, if all goes according to their plans. And I wonder at how quickly my nest is growing less crowded.

My little one is still here with his endless singing, humming and sound effects. He sings about whatever he's doing; nonsense sing songs that are equally out of tune and in. He talks for his toys in a dozen different voices. He puts them through adventures with a barrage of sound effects that seeks to join the current cacophony of my daughter's pounding music and the blaring noise from the television too.

It is a small comfort, because it keeps at bay the deafening silence that will someday descend when they have all gone. I do not relish that moment, so for now...I join in the symphony of dueling sounds and turn my own music up just a little. Perhaps I seek to drive that day of silence farther away into the future...or at least, believe that I can, even though I know that nothing I do will really stop it.

Time goes on no matter if we pay attention or let it slip away...but if we try to make as many memories as we can in the time we have...maybe it won't be so bad when there are no more memories to make...and we'll have left a treasured legacy behind, within those that shared them with us.

Looking Back at This Time of Year.

As I have browsed the many postings, I see so many asking for Christmas help, help to get toys/gifts for children. Yes, I can understand how this mindset has been adopted over so many years. But sometimes I wonder if we aren't setting up our children in a very hurtful way. That no matter what, there will magically be toys under the tree for them.

I've seen it all over online, videos of kids getting gifts and then having a royal fit because it isn't what they want, they don't think clothes, books or such is a real gift and tons more. Like complaining that the car you just got sucks because you don't like the color. Like getting mad that you didn't get a top tech toy and a friend did. We are setting up the entitlement mentality that's such an issue in the world today.

I know that there are folks out there that still believe in the same traditions that were popular when I was a kid...several decades ago.

I was taught that any gift was something to be thankful for and that giving a gift meant so much more.

So I'm giving thanks to those I have around me at home. I'm thankful that we're still in our house, the utility bills are paid till the end of this year. That we have food in the house, enough to last as long as we ration it out wisely. That aside from allergies or tummy, head and body aches, we're in fair health for now. (Not counting pre-existing conditions) That so far the heaters, blankets, sweatshirts, gloves, socks and hats are keeping us all warm inside, during this cold snap we're going through. I'm thankful for the simple fact that each morning that I wake up, I wake up. It gives me another day to be grateful for all that I do have right now. It also gives me another chance to keep things going, so that we can keep all these things we have right now.

My daughter has hinted that she'd like an MP3 player, but I've also over heard her telling her siblings that as long as the utilities are paid, the mortgage is paid and we're all okay...it will be an okay holiday. My older son agreed and stated that all he wanted was a job so that he could help out.

The youngest one said he wanted Noble, the sugar fairy from the Thumbelina video. Trouble is there is no such toy or figure that I can find anywhere. He got the video for his birthday in Nov. and has watched it dozens of times already. He has really become charmed by that little fairy. The only thing else he's wanted is Thomas, the train engine play set - he's asked for it every year since he was 4yrs old. He'd gotten a big play set one year, his older brother got it for a little over $50 on sale. Unfortunately, it was stolen a few days later by a guest who was staying with us at the time. Someone my cousin had felt badly for since he had no place to go for the Holiday.

My cousin was a truck driver back then and came to drop by for Christmas. He ran into a guy he had met before some time back. The guy had lost his apt. and had no place to go. He said that he could sleep in the bottom bunk of the truck's cab. He ate with us for Christmas, we treated him well and he seemed alright, pleasant enough. But two days after Christmas, he was gone. The train set was gone, a blender and my daughter's new Mr Coffee was gone. He might have tried to get more, but the only accessible rooms were the living room, kitchen and bathroom. All other doors were locked. But I leave the front door open for my cousin when he's visiting so he can get to those rooms. My cousin locks up his tools, so they were fine. The guy didn't get much, but what he took hurt us.

We never saw him again. My cousin looked for him, but had no luck either. So it's been something that we've wanted to fix ever since. But those Thomas toys are very costly even when on sale. It's not possible to do this yet. I'm hoping that maybe a Carebear will fill in for Noble. Maybe...lol - if I could get the material I'd love to try and make him that sugar fairy. I'm sure that he'd be very surprised. But for now, I just want to make sure he has what he needs. Later I will do what I can to make things nicer.

But as I've said before, I'm hoping that we all remember to be thankful and grateful for all those things that we DO have already. I also hope that those that are needing the very basic things will be able to find help to get them.

A very warm and loving Holiday to all of you and may it be a brighter and better New Year's ahead for us all.

Carpe Diem!

Some Holiday Cheer

It's difficult times and for older kids, I'm hoping that they can understand that the Holidays may not be like those in the past. But there is something that nearly anyone can do to try and make the best of it this year. So dust off your imagination, brush up on your grade school craft and middle school home ec skills and lets get busy.

I recall my own holidays, granted that's a long time ago. But just as things were a bit low tech back then, it may be somewhat low tech now too. What we did was build memories that have stayed with me much longer than others did.

Decorations - what's the holiday without a little cheer. To help make a fake tree feel real, try getting some of those cheap (buck or two) car scent trees or some pine scent candles. Cinnamon and peppermint are also scents to spice up the house.
To decorate the tree, maybe lights aren't available this year. Make a paper link chain for garland. Make foil balls, pop some popcorn and string the popcorn and make garland. Cut out images out of mags or advertisements and if you take tape and put a strip where you then make a hole - it won't tear easy. Then thread, make a loop and hang. You can cut out letters and images to tape to a window. Take a pretty doll, smallish that may or may not have wings and put her at the top of the tree. Or make an aluminum star to put on top.

Now look around the net for a good play dough recipe. I prefer one without a lot of salt. Especially with little kids, they may just try to eat it. Then with a little food coloring, dyes left over from an egg dying kit or some such you can make the clay different colors. It would be a nice little project for making a little gift. Some doughs need to be baked to harden and then painted. Others will air dry - be sure to check out the instructions for the recipe you use.
You could make cute decorations for the tree too.

Cutting out snowflakes is another craft that takes some work. Getting the pattern for the snow flakes is optional, but often recommended so you don't wind up with some very odd looking cut outs. These can be strung about the room or even a garland can be made with the right pattern. There is sure to be an abundance of resources on the net.

Making funnel cakes, sugar cookies, pies and an assortment of treats (recipes online) with the kids in the kitchen can make some fun memories as long as it isn't approached overly serious. Messes happen and it's the sharing and caring, not the condition of the mini concoctions that's important. Look for items at the grocery store that would be perfect for making small cakes/pies and take a small amount of imagination to create.

Hot apple cider, candy canes to decorate the tree, holiday music and the smell of pine and baked goods all can make the whole holiday feel a lot nicer. As for the gifts to put under the tree or in stockings. Think about giving someone a gift of time. A coupon that offers the holder a gift from you. Time to read a story. Time to take a walk. Go to the park for an hour. Watch a movie together. Whatever you want to offer. Just remember, you also have to honor those coupons or they won't be much of a gift.

Even just sending a homemade card and a handwritten note, is a gift of time, to someone special. It can be that simple and mean so very much to that person.

Go through your stored stuff, most people have far too much stuff stored away they haven't seen in ages. Regift some things that you find or hit the dollar store to get the small sample items. Or try a salvation army, good will or thrift store. That's stuff other people finally got rid of - maybe ask if the thrift shop will take some of your things and make some money.

Now for those that would like to get help in the coming months. Get a MyPoints account, then visit your email and click to view the offers that they send you. You get 5 points for each email viewed. Now be sure to fill out their profile questionnaire as that gives more points. They also have surveys...2-3 questions for 50 points. Fairly easy.

Then for you limited few that still shop online, ebay, amazon, etc. Go to the main MyPoints site and THEN go to the ebay (or other) site through their link. Not only are you going to pay for the item you got anyway, by doing a few more clicks to get there through MyPoints you can get points for every dollar you spend, sometimes more.

Now why do you want these points? Because you can trade them in for a gift card. Like $25,$50,$100 cards for Walmart, Kmart and other stores. There are cards for restaurants, book stores, even hotels. The rewards area can tell you more.

Over the last 5yrs that my sister and I've been members of MyPoints, we've spend hundreds of dollars in gift cards. We used to use them as stocking stuffers for the kids, but then it was Walmart/Kmart cards to get stuff that we needed due to not having the money to get it any other way. My sister travels and she's used cards to get a room or food when she needed one due to hiccups during trips.

So hope that some of these idea have been inspiring. There are lots more things that you can do if you think about the old fashioned kind of celebrations that people enjoyed back in the 1950's or around that area. We can do a lot to not only help to enjoy our own holiday, but to help others enjoy their own. It's more than money, it's time, sharing and caring - listening, connecting and making memories together.

I wish you and yours a very warm and wonderful Holiday and a bountiful New Year to come.

Carpe Diem!

Drifting Thoughts on a Dark, Rainy Day

It's had been raining. But it's over now.
I sit in my chair, in my room while distant voices chatter beyond the closed door.
I'm supposed to be resting. But the pain won't let me find peace. So I sit here. It's not so bad this way.
I like being close to the open window, it's low enough that I can see outside.
I can smell the rain.
I can hear the soft taps of the drops that drip. Leaves outside my window, that little tree has grown so big.
The voices inside become more distant, as I lay my head against the window sill.
Leaning side to side isn't so bad. It's bending that hurts so much.
I look up into the greenery. Some leaves poking in past the open window; I have no screen to stop them.
Dark wet branches twisting upward. My, the little tree is almost to the peak of the roof!
Has time sped on so swiftly? What was I doing that I forgot to notice?
Memories like an out of focus movie drift in a jumble of fleeting images.
I look out at the pale sky, inhale the wet moist earthy scents and feel the longing of my youth.
Of running in the rain, the smell of fresh cut grass and the freedom of being outside in the country.
The hikes taken through the woods, of wading into the river to spear or net trout heading upstream.
I close my eyes and let myself feel and hear...
The cool caress of the air, cleaned by the rain, I can smell the sharp scents of autumn ever so faintly.
The hum of the factories and the highway traffic that's not far away is like white noise.
The conversations of people, the wet sound of car tires on still wet roads, the noise of children and pets.
All drown out the sound of the raindrops that fall to the leaves...
While I sit by the window...
I look and see that night has been creeping closer as I listened in my own darkness.
I wonder sadly, when along the stream of life, I got cast up onto the shore.
Watching as it flows on past while I long to return to it's vibrant currents.
When did I get old?
I've discovered that it's nothing to do with age, experience or knowledge...
Old is that feeling of being invisible. Of looking at your image in the mirror and not knowing who it is that is looking back.
It's not a number, it's a state of mind or rather a state of being.
One does not suddenly "become" old upon reaching their 50th, 60th or higher birth year.
One can become old and yet be very young in years.
I slide the window closed as the darkness grows within my room. I dislike being a donor to the blood drinking insects.
Though of late I'd willingly cross over if a real Lestat or other such type made me the offer.
To escape the confines, the limitations and restrictions that divide me from the rush of life - How could I say no?
If I'm to sup from the glass, filled with the life blood, harvested from the vibrant masses, then so be it.
Barbaric, perhaps. But not inhuman. We do far worse to one another in the course of a day. than any creature or beast.
Of late I sometimes wonder if we have become something less than human, if humane be the ideal of the word.
For in the darkness, with the screen of my monitor the only light, I wonder when we became so lost in ourselves.
A small knock at the door, it opens slowly and my youngest peeks inside.
He smiles at me, seeing that I'm up and awake. He covers his eyes with his hand.
I close mine as he turns on the light. When I open my eyes the light is only a little harsh, he's dimmed it down.
With my vision fading, I can't make out details, not even up close. But he comes to my chair and hugs me.
"Do you feel better now?" he asks me.
I can't help, but smile and reply, "Yes, much better now my dear."
It is a lie, but one I can live with. I don't want him to know my pain. I don't want him to worry.
Yet I long to be the woman I once was, before my world came crashing down.
I want to be the mother he deserves, one that can play, run and swing him around.
I do not see the mother I once was, now I appear as a grandmother, when my reflection I see.
Time has taken a toll far greater than I wish to pay, relentless stress and ill health have added their price too.
A voice calls out from another room, my young son kisses my cheek and dashes off in reply.
I look at my computer, the monitor glows and I am thankful for the one thing that I can still claim.
Through the connections, the networks and resources that are dug up like vast pirate treasures...I live.
In that world with no form, I can be all that I once was and become even more than I can physically here.
Despite the cards dealt that cheated me from being as active as I used to be, chaining me in pain...
I can claim the key of knowledge, the crown of mental determination to achieve what I set out to do.
Road blocks, obstacles are breached by the technology that offers me some small freedoms.
My victory is bittersweet, for I still long for the days of my memory - when I was truly free....
But when one is captive, one relishes what small tastes of freedom one can get...even if it's not really real...
I missed out on watching the rain...
Maybe I'll get to next time.

Another year coming to an end...

Well, another year is winding down to the homestretch. With the fall season upon us, it tends to remind us of the passing of time - our time.  The changes in life often happen very quickly, we are caught up in the whirlwind of activities. The rushing flow of life pulls us along in tow through the day to day struggles, events and relationships.

But in the fall there is a time, not everyone notices it, but those of us with more snow on top tend to sense it more often. It's a time to reflect, to take stock in life. Your own life mostly, the direction you're going in and how you fit into or don't fit into the life you are living. It can become a rather shocking wake-up call for those that haven't done it before.

But if you've passed through these calm, still moments before, it's much easier to feel more confident and steady in the assessment of your life in the passing year. The good thing about a fall assessment is that you still have time during the early winter, before the New Year, to complete any tasks you'd forgotten.

I've found my days blurring into one another often; keeping up with a 7yr old, dealing with teenager issues and of course there's the bills, the mortgage and the furry members of the family.  Now add to that the rising costs of just about everything, the shrinking incomes, extended family events and then the world news picture on top of it all.

In our world I've noticed that this fall marks a very violent time. We've more intense feelings, actions and vocalizations now more than I'd noticed in other years. The positive emotions, the surge of purpose and the general feelings of unity where short lived. There's a bitterness, a movement to drag down all that hope that flared for a time, it's spreading a negative, hateful veil over so much of the world.

But I still believe that the light of a single candle can still drive back the darkest night. That the shadows on the wall are only our own insecurities and fears, we alone can drive those that feed on our fears away. So many out there in the world look to corrupt, breed intolerance, hate and violence. Before we fall into their deceptive traps, we must ask "What do they get out of this? What gain/reward do they receive?"

This answer can offer us the most important protection against this kind of manipulation. We need to look to the better person inside of us all.  (I'm being optimistic, but I'm hoping I'm right.) I'm hoping that before the New Year that the emotional health of society will improve. (Wishful thinking, but it's better than nothing.)

So in this time of endings, I hope to see an ending to the dark and troubling times. I hope that in the year ahead there will be room for all and that the light will shine with hope from billions of hearts and drive away the darkness from our lives. I hope all will find better days ahead, that society comes to the realization that we can make our lives brighter a day at a time. We just need to take that first step...to take action.

Take care and safe journey....Carp Diem!

Once again, I'm trying something new...

Not one to let moss grow under my feet, I'm jumping into something new again. It's not like I've stopped doing other things, although some projects have come to a halt. I just have been putting off getting a site together for myself and decided it was time to just do it.
Almost everyone has those kind of moments, the desire to begin something, to do something different. But there are these chains that we tie ourselves down with, that keep us from taking action.

• I can do it later... (when I have more time, more money, less stress, less work...)
• I don't know what to do... (yet when you need to find out something, you have no problems...)
• It's too much to learn... (that all depends, you want to be a rocket scientist or just learn something new...)
• I haven't got the time...(I can relate, but if it's something you want to do...try and make the time.)
• Is it profitable? What's it worth? (Since when does anything worthwhile have to turn a buck? This is sad...)

I'm starting this site because it's something that I've been wanting to do for some time. I've tried to get things started several different times, but they mostly fizzled out. I have a MySpace, a Facebook (don't go there much), a Yahoo Profile, a MSN profile, an IMVU homepage, some game site profiles, a Writer's Cafe page and some others that I've trouble remembering. Just like lots of others I've pieces of me scattered all over the web.
(It makes me think of a spider web, with all my sites and profiles just hanging in it....not a comforting thought. Btw...where's the spider? ::shivers:: Never mind...I don't want to know.)
So here I am creating yet another piece of myself to hang in that web. But this time I've got a little clearer picture of what I want to do. I don't know if all the knowledge stuck in this head of mine is of any value to anyone else, but that will remain to be seen as I get this site polished up and organized some. I've been online for almost two decades. (anyone remember Qlink or CompuServe? Not including downtimes...) I've grown up learning skills that seem to be almost extinct in this century, plus I've learned a lot along my journey thus far...
Who knows, maybe I have some information that might be of some small use to someone out there. With all the millions of other sites out there, maybe I can find a place for myself...
So I'm starting this up and sending it out and we will see what happens from there. I'll try to do a better job on my site to introduce myself some. Just don't expect much since I'm not that good at the introduction type stuff... but I'll give it a shot anyhow. For now, I'll just sign off and thank you for reading this far...I do tend to ramble...so you've been warned now...so you can be prepared next time you drop by...

A Lost Treasure for Me!

I was clearing up and packing up due to needing more room again. I came across something I'd thought I'd lost ages ago. My box with all my writing! Notebooks, folders stuffed and envelopes with clippings - everything!

Well, maybe not everything, but a whole heck of a lot of my writing was in there. So for me that was like finding a lost treasure! A writer's jackpot filled with memories! Mostly because such a large part of me went into all that writing. Plus now I can actually put a bunch of it together and start polishing up a piece here and there. Start uploading some and seeing about getting some published maybe.

So that was a really great find for me. Granted I've still got more stuff to send off to the storage unit in the next few weeks. Come to think of it, I am going to have to start planning a yard sale to:

1. get rid of stuff that I no longer need or want

2. get some extra cash to save up for an emergency

3. make some more room in the storage unit and the house.

I may just call someone to haul off whatever doesn't sell. One of those people that buy up the left over yard sale stuff to go sell at the flea market. I can't get there myself - so why not load off the stuff on someone who's already going out anyway...

Finally found the other A/C unit - need to get it set up tomorrow. Then maybe things will cool off a bit in the house. It's been so muggy lately that the heat's almost impossible to deal with. Have one A/C already in and cooling, but with the size of the house it's going to take two to handle this heat.

Well, that's all for now. Been feeling a bit better since the pool's up and I've been taking some time out to swim. Just have to make sure that I don't get too "busy" and forget to go out. So far it's not been so hard...but if I start getting wrapped up in stuff I may need the kids to drag me out for a while to take that swimming break. lol

Hope that everyone enjoy the changes ahead - it's either that or be grumpy about them. Think I'll try to roll with things...I'm to hot to gripe about anything right now...lol 

That doesn't mean I won't later though...lol